Jokes

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CrimsonKingAH

LOVE & PEACE
Jun 8, 2015
5,539
17,003
East Texas
%2523joke+%2523funny+picture+of+little+asian+kid+holding+hand+up+stop+stop+i%2527m+gonna+pee.jpg
 

days be strange

still playing
Dec 31, 2011
449
1,199
28
Trinidad
A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing
They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediately a foaming mug of ice-cold German ale appears in his hand. He takes a long swig and when he puts it down, it's still miraculously full! The Frenchman and Englishman are, of course, amazed.

"I wish," said the Frenchman, "For a wall to be built around France, ten miles high and ten miles thick, so that nobody can get in and nobody can get out."

The fish screws up its eyes in concentration for a moment then says. "Done! And what do you want?"

"Is there a wall around France?" asks the Englishman

"Yes." replies the fish.

"Is it ten miles high and ten miles thick?"

"Yes."

"And can nobody get in, and nobody get out?"

"Yes."

"Well then," says the Englishman, "I want you to fill it with water."
 

blunthead

Well-Known Member
Aug 2, 2006
80,755
195,461
Atlanta GA
Children Are Quick and Always Speak Their Minds

Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became my father when I was born.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
_______________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using the tables.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: You asked me how I spell it.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_______________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I".
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie...... always say, "I am".
MILLIE: All right, "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet".
_______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George had the axe in his hand.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on My Dog is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No sir, it's the same dog.
____________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
 

Spideyman

Uber Member
Jul 10, 2006
46,336
195,472
79
Just north of Duma Key
Children Are Quick and Always Speak Their Minds

Teacher: How old is your father?
Kid: He is 6 years.
Teacher: What? How is this possible?
Kid: He became my father when I was born.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
_______________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using the tables.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: You asked me how I spell it.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
_______________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I".
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie...... always say, "I am".
MILLIE: All right, "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet".
_______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George had the axe in his hand.
_______________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on My Dog is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No sir, it's the same dog.
____________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.


Love it!!!
 

Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM:Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to ****us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.


So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.


And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!





 

days be strange

still playing
Dec 31, 2011
449
1,199
28
Trinidad
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly, the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
 

Haunted

This is my favorite place
Mar 26, 2008
17,059
29,421
The woods are lovely dark and deep
The
Population of this country is 310 million. 1
60
Million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the
Work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.


Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal
Government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied
With killing TERRORISTS. Which leaves 17.2
Million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8
Million people who work for state and city
Governments. And that
Leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given
Time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people
In prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the
Work.

You and me.
And there

You are

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes
Nice. Real nice.
 

MadamMack

M e m b e r
Apr 11, 2006
17,958
45,138
UnParked, UnParked U.S.A.
The Tale of Onestone . . .

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good
morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest, where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by, and no one dared call him Onestone, that is until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
 

AnnaMarie

Well-Known Member
Feb 16, 2012
7,068
29,564
Other

  • 1. Parallel lines have so much in common.
    It's a shame they'll never meet.

    2. My wife accused me of being immature.
    I told her to get out of my fort.

    3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

    4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    One, they're efficient and not very funny.

    5. What do you call a dog with no legs.
    It doesn't matter; it's not going to come.[/spoiler

    6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay.

    You have my Word.

    7. What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you?
    A pool table.

    8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
    Poor guy.

    9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
    You look for the fresh prints.

    10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
    Even the cake was in tiers.

    11. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea.
    Runs in our jeans.

    12. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.
    He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

    13. A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar.
    The bartender gave it to her.

    14. Want to hear a word I just made up?
    Plagiarism.

    15. Why do cows wear bells?
    Because their horns don't work.

    16. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
    Aye Matey.

    17. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
    If anything, it made him more sluggish.

    18. And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
    But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

    19. Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
    A: With an itheberg.[/spoiler

    20. Someone stole my mood ring,
    I don't know how I feel about that.

    21. I tried to catch fog yesterday,
    Mist.

    22. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
    If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

    23. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
    She looked surprised.
 

mal

content
Jun 23, 2007
4,714
27,243
61
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada
The Tale of Onestone . . .

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, 'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good
morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest, where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by, and no one dared call him Onestone, that is until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
That's so bad in the best way ever! Good stuff!