Need to vent about Father-In-Law

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Jul 24, 2014
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This branch of boards seem to be the "post anything you want" section and I figured since this is one of the friendliest message boards I've come across lately it would be a cool place to vent.

Now a little backstory: My wife and I have been married for just over a year, been living together for 3 and all together been by each others side for 8-high school sweethearts.

Now our first year as adults we shared an apartment with another married couple which honestly wasn't too bad. They were respectful and considerate (accept for the dishes, which the other wife just loved leaving around) but I learned early on that I'm just not a "roomies" guy. I like my privacy and sharing my space with the one l love so after the first 6 months the roommate gig got old fast. It got on my wife's nerves too, so I wasn't the only one...but I tend to let things bother me more than they really should. The roommates didn't DO anything wrong, I just wanted to be alone with my fiancee after a while. I'm grateful they were there for support though, neither us nor them could have made it without the other.
Anyway, after about a year my wife got a GREAT job out of state and we hightailed it out of dodge to start life anew...settled into a rented house for a year....realized we didn't like renting still, didn't like the landlords and decided we were ready to buy...so we did.

To make this long story shorter (cuz believe me this thing could be a novel) her family slowly followed us up to where we are now. Her mother was actually here first and suggested she apply for the job she ended up getting. So at first it was just me, my wife and her mother who lives about 45 minutes away. Then her little sister wanted to move up to live with the mother because she couldn't stand living the father. Now, that sounds harsh and I was angry at her (I watched this girl grow up from the age of 8 onward to 17) because she had a history of clashing with him and all around just not liking him even seemingly hating him. Now, all three of the women in this family have varying degrees of being annoyed at this man and I get it, he can be very irritating. He's stubborn, doesn't listen a lot of the time and is sort of a hanger on. But I did for the most part enjoy his company.

Well, he also decided to follow us up here (as per request of my wife and her mother to be fair, they wanted him up here because he's getting up their in years and would have been alone otherwise) and has been living with us for over 4 months as he finds a house. The market is a mess and I have no issues that it takes a long time because we just went through the same process.
But one of the many reasons my wife says her mother left him was because he never just DOES what he needs to do all the way. Be it work, house stuff and parenting stuff. He never just took it upon himself to go and look for a house, talk to realtors, banks etc his own. Most of what has been accomplished (he is finally closing soon) has been more due to my MIL keeping on top of him than his own independent actions. Ff she wasn't pulling most of the weight I still think he would be looking with no sight of him leaving soon. The man is educated and has made a good living for himself, but at the same time is very lazy.

Since he's been here he's actually done a great stuff for us around the house...for which I am grateful...but it's either stuff that didn't need attention payed to it or stuff my MIL told him to do while he was here (which I don't like that she did this). He can be good company because he has a good sense of humor and a lot of knowledge on things, but the more and more you are around him you get the sense he just wants to hear himself speak and is just waiting for his turn. At times he almost seems impatient for you to shut up so he can have the floor again. And if he thinks he's right or think you got something wrong he can be a VERY patronizing jerk. He's also something of a slob. He WILL clean up after himself eventually but not until the kitchen is a total wreck of he has his own miscellaneous crap scattered all over the entire house (tools, cloths, shoes, mail..)

I've been around this man for 8 years but never for such a sustained amount of time and I finally really see what my wife, her sister and her mother couldn't stand. For the longest time I was on his side (the divorce was very ugly and has details a little too personal and f--ked up to share here and there is a huge disparage between how he treated my wife as a child and her little sister as a child. He very obviously favors the younger sister to this day and see's her as an extension of himself. My wife often recalls how he pretty much ignored her as a child) and it's driving me mad. He is always, and I use no exaggeration here at all, in a state of burping/farting. He honestly can't enter a room without a burp to announce himself. It's literally like it's how he says "hello". And he never excuses himself. "It's a constant "burrraaapp, burp, BAAARPPP, burp, burraapp!" It's obnoxious in the extreme. AND. IT. IS. CONSTANT.
He is also always on your butt trying to talk to you. You can't just pass him by and say "hello" it's always a story with him he walks around with you like a puppy.

I feel bad talking crap about him. I do have feelings for the man despite what I've seen over the years and heard from my wife and her sister. He can be very generous with his time when he wants to be and seems to genuinely want to spend time with you....but then he starts in with his wanting to just hear himself speak. And when you're discussing an issue with him and you contend a different fact, he just doesn't believe you. He'll say A and you'll say "no, it's actually B I think" and he'll go quiet for a second and say in a very condescending way "Nnnnnooooo I don't think so." And if he doesn't do that he ignores your point and continues on like you didn't even saying anything. It all goes back to him acting like a condescending pr**k.

I've come to the conclusion the man is very vain in many ways. My wife loves him and hates how she gets so fed up with him, it makes her feel like crap because it's her father, you know? But As an outsider and hearing not only her stories but her sisters and her mothers and also forming my own opinions over time, the man is just too much to handle for any long period of time. And I myself hate feeling that way too because like I said earlier, I have feelings for the man. I wouldn't say I love him, but I do respect his experiences and knowledge. He's a smart man, despite all his flaws. He's not a bad guy, he's just done some very bad things emotionally, almost passively, to his family and I don't think he really realizes it even after the said screwed up stuff I said I wouldn't mention in detail. Well, lets put it this way: During the split I was on his side all the way and thought the mother was an EVIL witch for doing what she did and especially how she did it. I still think her actions were horrible, but now I have a better understand of why she was driven to that point and can at least emphasis with her more than I could before. It wasn't as one sided as I saw it as at the time.

I feel like a tool not being able the stand him around the house anymore. I hate having negative feelings about people, especially since he has done so many nice things for us and the house while he's here but the guy is often clingy, gross, messy, patronizing, and all around just annoying. My wife and both vent to each other and both hate how we feel because nobody wants to feel that way about a relative, but I'll be damned if I don't feel like a prisoner in my own home.
 
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skimom2

Just moseyin' through...
Oct 9, 2013
15,683
92,168
USA
This branch of boards seem to be the "post anything you want" section and I figured since this is one of the friendliest message boards I've come across lately it would be a cool place to vent.

Now a little backstory: My wife and I have been married for just over a year, been living together for 3 and all together been by each others side for 8-high school sweethearts.

Now our first year as adults we shared an apartment with another married couple which honestly wasn't too bad. They were respectful and considerate (accept for the dishes, which the other wife just loved leaving around) but I learned early on that I'm just not a "roomies" guy. I like my privacy and sharing my space with the one l love so after the first 6 months the roommate gig got old fast. It got on my wife's nerves too, so I wasn't the only one...but I tend to let things bother me more than they really should. The roommates didn't DO anything wrong, I just wanted to be alone with my fiancee after a while. I'm grateful they were there for support though, neither us nor them could have made it without the other.
Anyway, after about a year my wife got a GREAT job out of state and we hightailed it out of dodge to start life anew...settled into a rented house for a year....realized we didn't like renting still, didn't like the landlords and decided we were ready to buy...so we did.

To make this long story shorter (cuz believe me this thing could be a novel) her family slowly followed us up to where we are now. Her mother was actually here first and suggested she apply for the job she ended up getting. So at first it was just me, my wife and her mother who lives about 45 minutes away. Then her little sister wanted to move up to live with the mother because she couldn't stand living the father. Now, that sounds harsh and I was angry at her (I watched this girl grow up from the age of 8 onward to 17) because she had a history of clashing with him and all around just not liking him even seemingly hating him. Now, all three of the women in this family have varying degrees of being annoyed at this man and I get it, he can be very irritating. He's stubborn, doesn't listen a lot of the time and is sort of a hanger on. But I did for the most part enjoy his company.

Well, he also decided to follow us up here (as per request of my wife and her mother to be fair, they wanted him up here because he's getting up their in years and would have been alone otherwise) and has been living with us for over 4 months as he finds a house. The market is a mess and I have no issues that it takes a long time because we just went through the same process.
But one of the many reasons my wife says her mother left him was because he never just DOES what he needs to do all the way. Be it work, house stuff and parenting stuff. He never just took it upon himself to go and look for a house, talk to realtors, banks etc his own. Most of what has been accomplished (he is finally closing soon) has been more due to my MIL keeping on top of him than his own independent actions. Ff she wasn't pulling most of the weight I still think he would be looking with no sight of him leaving soon. The man is educated and has made a good living for himself, but at the same time is very lazy.

Since he's been here he's actually done a great stuff for us around the house...for which I am grateful...but it's either stuff that didn't need attention payed to it or stuff my MIL told him to do while he was here (which I don't like that she did this). He can be good company because he has a good sense of humor and a lot of knowledge on things, but the more and more you are around him you get the sense he just wants to hear himself speak and is just waiting for his turn. At times he almost seems impatient for you to shut up so he can have the floor again. And if he thinks he's right or think you got something wrong he can be a VERY patronizing jerk. He's also something of a slob. He WILL clean up after himself eventually but not until the kitchen is a total wreck of he has his own miscellaneous crap scattered all over the entire house (tools, cloths, shoes, mail..)

I've been around this man for 8 years but never for such a sustained amount of time and I finally really see what my wife, her sister and her mother couldn't stand. For the longest time I was on his side (the divorce was very ugly and has details a little too personal and f--ked up to share here and there is a huge disparage between how he treated my wife as a child and her little sister as a child. He very obviously favors the younger sister to this day and see's her as an extension of himself. My wife often recalls how he pretty much ignored her as a child) and it's driving me mad. He is always, and I use no exaggeration here at all, in a state of burping/farting. He honestly can't enter a room without a burp to announce himself. It's literally like it's how he says "hello". And he never excuses himself. "It's a constant "burrraaapp, burp, BAAARPPP, burp, burraapp!" It's obnoxious in the extreme. AND. IT. IS. CONSTANT.
He is also always on your butt trying to talk to you. You can't just pass him by and say "hello" it's always a story with him he walks around with you like a puppy.

I feel bad talking crap about him. I do have feelings for the man despite what I've seen over the years and heard from my wife and her sister. He can be very generous with his time when he wants to be and seems to genuinely want to spend time with you....but then he starts in with his wanting to just hear himself speak. And when you're discussing an issue with him and you contend a different fact, he just doesn't believe you. He'll say A and you'll say "no, it's actually B I think" and he'll go quiet for a second and say in a very condescending way "Nnnnnooooo I don't think so." And if he doesn't do that he ignores your point and continues on like you didn't even saying anything. It all goes back to him acting like a condescending pr**k.

I've come to the conclusion the man is very vain in many ways. My wife loves him and hates how she gets so fed up with him, it makes her feel like crap because it's her father, you know? But As an outsider and hearing not only her stories but her sisters and her mothers and also forming my own opinions over time, the man is just too much to handle for any long period of time. And I myself hate feeling that way too because like I said earlier, I have feelings for the man. I wouldn't say I love him, but I do respect his experiences and knowledge. He's a smart man, despite all his flaws. He's not a bad guy, he's just done some very bad things emotionally, almost passively, to his family and I don't think he really realizes it even after the said screwed up stuff I said I wouldn't mention in detail. Well, lets put it this way: During the split I was on his side all the way and thought the mother was an EVIL witch for doing what she did and especially how she did it. I still think her actions were horrible, but now I have a better understand of why she was driven to that point and can at least emphasis with her more than I could before. It wasn't as one sided as I saw it as at the time.

I feel like a tool not being able the stand him around the house anymore. I hate having negative feelings about people, especially since he has done so many nice things for us and the house while he's here but the guy is often clingy, gross, messy, patronizing, and all around just annoying. My wife and both vent to each other and both hate how we feel because nobody wants to feel that way about a relative, but I'll be damned if I don't feel like a prisoner in my own home.
Be strong. It's almost over. You're much kinder than I am--I don't think I could live with my own mother, let alone my mother in law, for any length of time. You're a good person--venting here or to your wife is 'safe', and it sounds like you've been more than kind to your long-term guest. Pat yourself on the back, but don't take a deep breath…yet ;)
 

Lily Sawyer

B-ReadAndWed
Jun 27, 2009
6,625
15,016
South Carolina
It's a good time to draw boundaries with him. Take him aside, man to man, and let him know that a) his help around the house is very appreciated, and b) his gaseous state isn't. (Open the conversation with a positive, because you won't have his attention if you don't.) Tell him he has a problem and that he needs to address it, either with a visit to a doctor or an investment in OTC gas remedies. It's *your* home, and all of you still have to live there until he moves out.

You have a right to resent this arrangement, but you also have a right to explain to him why it's important that he respect your home while he's there. What he does is passive-aggressive, and it can guarantee that he's not invited back unless he cleans up his act.
 

Sigmund

Waiting in Uber.
Jan 3, 2010
13,979
44,046
In your mirror.
Hi.

You have put up with a lot and I applaud your patience. If you can just gut it out for awhile longer and your FIL is out that would be cool. If you cannot take it anymore and have to say something I'm sure you will do it in a calm voice and manner.

(I'm afraid I don't think I would have been able to put with your FIL behavior very long.)

Good luck!

Peace.
 

blunthead

Well-Known Member
Aug 2, 2006
80,755
195,461
Atlanta GA
KaijuProphet89, I think you're handling things excellently. If your FIL's living situation was such that his disposal weren't already scheduled as "soon enough", I'd encourage you and your wife to find a plan for it. I do suggest that the two of you stay in contact with your MIL, who seems the only individual capable of bringing to pass what must happen. Kudos, applause on your liberalness and ability to appreciate good found in others, and on your personal tolerance, which tell me all I need of the goodness in your nature.
 

Lepplady

Chillin' since 2006
Nov 30, 2006
12,498
65,639
Red Stick
Even if the two of you were the bestest of buddies, he needs to find his own place, ASAP. It was supposed to be a temporary situation, and that's what it needs to be. Give him a time limit and stick to it. If he can't find a house, let him move into an apartment until he does. Once he's out of the house, you and your wife can enjoy visits with him, and go home to the privacy of your own home when the visit's over.
 

hipmamajen

Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess.
Apr 4, 2008
4,650
6,090
Colorado
Kaiju, cool name!

You can talk to him, but I don't think it will help much. I would guess that he's heard it before. Surely by this point in his life someone has alerted him to the fact that he's a farty know-it-all, and he has decided he's okay with that.

I'm sorry, family relationships can be so touchy!

This isn't about your situation, but this joke popped into my head while reading your post. Maybe it will give you a giggle while you're waiting to "clear the air."

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
 
Mar 12, 2010
6,538
29,004
Texas
Congrats on surviving the last four months :) Maybe since he's found his own place, you won't have to have a showdown and you can enjoy visiting with him occasionally. Your next problem will be making sure he finds friends other than y'all so he won't be coming over to your place all the time :) My heart goes out to your wife, sometimes its hard to say "The L with it!" and quit trying to prove yourself to your dad :(
 

plgordon

Well-Known Member
Aug 9, 2009
232
26
53
Carver MA.
Wow, you almost lost me, but I hung in there! I just hope primarily that you feel a tiny bit better for having vented! In the future dish some of the dirt, we all really love the details! But seriously, we all have uncomfortable feelings about at least one relative. Don't beat yourself up over the way it makes you feel. You Married his daughter not him.
 
Jul 24, 2014
22
155
34
Thanks for all the kind words of support! I wasn't expecting so much.

The sad thing is, HE's BEEN HAVE TALKED TO HIM! My wife especially will kindly point out his obnoxious bodily functions or being a bit more tidy around the house (especially the kitchen) and he'll act a little hurt and say in an exaggerated tone of voice "OOOOOOhhhhhh all right if you say so." It's nothing he hasn't heard from his two daughters or ex-wive a zillion times before.

I can admit to being something of a coward in regards to confrontation with him. In regards to confrontation with anybody really. I've only ever spoken up to a few people ever in my life and it always leaves me shaken because I'm stupid and I let things slide for too long and by the time I do speak up I'm angrier sounding than I should be. It's my own fault. And every once in a blue moon, I'll snap and it's scary. Not like uber violent, but if I hit a point and somebody breaths the wrong way it can set me off. I'm incredibly patient 98% of the time until that dastardly 2% sneaks through.
I personally haven't spoken up due to a few things. One) him and my MIL have been generous to us over the years with support and I can EASILY see it turning into an "you ungrateful....!" type of deal and two) my wife was the bread winner for a long while while I was in between jobs and school, so she was my support system for a spell. I'm progressive thinking and don't feel a woman supporting the man in a relationship is a bad thing or something to be ashamed of (as long as the man OR woman pulls their own weight) but I don't know if it was my own dealings with those feelings at the time or something genuine he gave off, but I think he may have started to look down on me during that period.

I have no excuse not to speak up and I know it's 100% cowardly, but it's a mix between not wanting drama when he is close to leaving and my own hesitation. From seeing it from my own eyes and hearing about it for 8 years....he has a way of shutting down when people try to criticize him. Unfortunately it's a trait the whole family (accept my wife, lucked out MAJORLY there) share.