Boys and girls, spring is here and that means we all start showing a little more skin. I would like to take a minute of your time to focus on....
your FEET.
Yes. You heard me. Feet. Those hideous things you've been hiding in shoes all winter long.
Every single one of you, take care of your feet or I'm going to ralph on them.
This means:
Scrub them down. Take an Amope, pumice stone, cheese grater -- whatever, and get rid of those callouses and hard crusty yellow ridges with those flakey looking cracked dirty crevasses (yes, crevasses).
Slather them up with a really good lotion, moisturizing, healing. Wearing socks for at least an hour after application will help calm down the crazy-train terrain on your feet. It would be ideal to slather on goop and then sleep in socks, but if your feet get hot, just do it for an hour or so every day until there isn't a crack to be seen.
Do NOT rip your toenails off. trim them and then file them. Clean out from under them. I don't want to be able to take a soil sample from under the toenails. Unless of course you are murdered and just happened to scratch your assailant with your claw-like tootsies. Then we will take samples of DNA from under your toenails and we will catch the person who committed Muuuuuuurder.
If you have hairy knuckles, toe knuckles, get rid of it. It is ugly. On men and women.
And if you don't want to do any of this you heathen devil spawn, don't make society look at your cloven hooves.
Take care of your feet, and they will take care of you. Thank you for your time.
your FEET.
Yes. You heard me. Feet. Those hideous things you've been hiding in shoes all winter long.
Every single one of you, take care of your feet or I'm going to ralph on them.
This means:
Scrub them down. Take an Amope, pumice stone, cheese grater -- whatever, and get rid of those callouses and hard crusty yellow ridges with those flakey looking cracked dirty crevasses (yes, crevasses).
Slather them up with a really good lotion, moisturizing, healing. Wearing socks for at least an hour after application will help calm down the crazy-train terrain on your feet. It would be ideal to slather on goop and then sleep in socks, but if your feet get hot, just do it for an hour or so every day until there isn't a crack to be seen.
Do NOT rip your toenails off. trim them and then file them. Clean out from under them. I don't want to be able to take a soil sample from under the toenails. Unless of course you are murdered and just happened to scratch your assailant with your claw-like tootsies. Then we will take samples of DNA from under your toenails and we will catch the person who committed Muuuuuuurder.
If you have hairy knuckles, toe knuckles, get rid of it. It is ugly. On men and women.
And if you don't want to do any of this you heathen devil spawn, don't make society look at your cloven hooves.
Take care of your feet, and they will take care of you. Thank you for your time.
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