Danie, you are a wonderful person and I am so glad to know you!
But GNT asked the perfect question; do I feel comfortable in my own skin? In a word, no. I never have. And to repeat myself a little, life inside my head is absolute hell. There's a reason those labels have been slapped on me. And JD was one of the first people to do it. He had a way of putting it that didn't make it seem like an insult, but still.
I haven't hurt anyone physically, (yet) but I've caused a lot of emotional pain over the years. Usually, I turn my frustrations and loathing inwards, where no one can see.
But my thought processes are finally getting bad enough that I'm wondering if I should stop trying to handle things alone, I'm wondering if all those people with their labels are right, and I'm wondering how much longer I can hang on to myself. It's a scary place to be, made even more frightening by my fear of chemical medications and head-doctors that only want me in their office because I'm a paycheck. I'm scared to talk about the things that go on inside my head, because what if they put me in the nuthouse? What if they take my son away? What if my husband can't handle being with a crazy person? What if my son grows up damaged because of me?
And how in the hell am I supposed to live the next sixty years like this? It's hard enough getting through a single day.
I have my good days, don't get me wrong. My husband has brought more peace to my life than I ever thought possible. But on my bad days, I treat him like crap. And he doesn't deserve that. He's an excellent husband, the best I could ask for, and he deserves to be treated like a King. That more than anything else is why I'm finally contemplating getting help.
Anyway, enough of my silly self. I'm probably obsessing about nothing. Thank you for your kind words, and for being such a great person. It's people like you that make me think humans aren't so bad, after all!
