Not So Mother's Day

[Grandpa]

There must be more like me. I get a little itchy on Mother's Day. I do lavish praise on Grandma and the Daughter and the Sons' Wives. But I see all kinds of homage to people's moms here, on Facebook, and.........

I'm just not there.

I'm not denigrating that adore-Mom sentiment, not at all, and I hope that's obvious. I love Grandma's matriarchal status, and the great relationships with mothers and kids that pervade my family, with the exception of those mother-son relationships that belong to.......

Well, me.

My mom wasn't terrible. She wasn't abusive, really, just very self-absorbed, and she wasn't exactly cursed with an excess of maternal instinct. I believe she meant well for me, but "well" really did need to fit within her predetermined vision of "well," and I never did figure that out, and by the time I could have, I was on my own path to do "well" by my own terms. By the time she died about 13 years ago, I had never gotten the impression that anything I accomplished was respected by her. And... well, I could write a book on our dysfunctional relationship, but it wouldn't be very fun, so I'm not going to.

So to those with some level of awkwardness on this day, who want to pay homage to moms all over for their loving, good work but who can't quite bring it to their own personal level, I hear ya. I get ya. We can be envious of others who have that great relationship, but make it a happy envy. Good for them, and let's make sure we do better for us and our own as we go forward.

 

[Dana Jean]

There must be more like me. I get a little itchy on Mother's Day. I do lavish praise on Grandma and the Daughter and the Sons' Wives. But I see all kinds of homage to people's moms here, on Facebook, and.........

I'm just not there.

I'm not denigrating that adore-Mom sentiment, not at all, and I hope that's obvious. I love Grandma's matriarchal status, and the great relationships with mothers and kids that pervade my family, with the exception of those mother-son relationships that belong to.......

Well, me.

My mom wasn't terrible. She wasn't abusive, really, just very self-absorbed, and she wasn't exactly cursed with an excess of maternal instinct. I believe she meant well for me, but "well" really did need to fit within her predetermined vision of "well," and I never did figure that out, and by the time I could have, I was on my own path to do "well" by my own terms. By the time she died about 13 years ago, I had never gotten the impression that anything I accomplished was respected by her. And... well, I could write a book on our dysfunctional relationship, but it wouldn't be very fun, so I'm not going to.

So to those with some level of awkwardness on this day, who want to pay homage to moms all over for their loving, good work but who can't quite bring it to their own personal level, I hear ya. I get ya. We can be envious of others who have that great relationship, but make it a happy envy. Good for them, and let's make sure we do better for us and our own as we go forward.

I wish you would've had a closer connection. Sometimes, especially parents of that day and age, they didn't know how to show love. They were very stoic, non emotional, didn't pamper or want anyone to think they were so amazing that they discontinued striving for better. It was just how they were raised. I really do believe that. So, you either pass on what was done to you, or you make a conscious effort to just do better. Sounds like you are that guy, Grandpa.

Nowadays, I do think as we learn better, we do better. Or I hope everyone keeps learning. And keeps turning that eye inward to make themselves better. It's important to be able to hold our own feet to the fire when we don't live up to the best possible person we can be.

Believe me, my feet are scorched.

 

[GNTLGNT]

...I have mentioned a few times that my mom was a domineering "wrap him in plastic" type of mother...as much as I love her, I resent her....I know where in his heart Grandpa speaks from...Ma wouldn't allow me friends, I wasn't permitted to participate in sports or other activities because she feared I would get hurt...girls?...oh frig a duck!...I was so awkward because of this repression that IF I could somehow manage to have a girl speak to me instead of laugh at me-I had to sneak around to have a conversation....I was my own best friend by default...it has taken me years to shrug off some of what I was denied...others?....I can't, that's why my kids were allowed to try most anything they wished, do dumb ass things and I still love them anyway....I do love her, but unlike Job, my patience wears thin...especially with the Hallmark type of perfect Mothers Day celebrations.....that isn't reality for most of us....

 

[Grandpa]

I wish you would've had a closer connection. Sometimes, especially parents of that day and age, they didn't know how to show love. They were very stoic, non emotional, didn't pamper or want anyone to think they were so amazing that they discontinued striving for better. It was just how they were raised. I really do believe that. So, you either pass on what was done to you, or you make a conscious effort to just do better. Sounds like you are that guy, Grandpa.

Nowadays, I do think as we learn better, we do better. Or I hope everyone keeps learning. And keeps turning that eye inward to make themselves better. It's important to be able to hold our own feet to the fire when we don't live up to the best possible person we can be.

Believe me, my feet are scorched.

Thank you, Dana Jean.

I wish that too. And I could write more, but what's the point? She's been dead now for a while, she can't respond to the things that I'd say, and it just doesn't matter. My own personal sociological theory is that the vast majority of What We Are is either in (mostly unconscious) emulation of, or rebellion against, our parental figures. In my case, it's mostly rebellion, and I frankly think I'm the better for it.

My dad had a good sense of humor. That's what I'd like to think I've emulated (although not in this thread), but minus the sarcasm that he saved for the home environment that betrayed to me how unhappy he really was. You're in the 1950s, you're a veteran freshly sprung, you get a girl pregnant, you get married with the attendant shock and shame of the time, and the baby comes, resented by the mom, but she wants to have a big family as befits her Irish Catholic upbringing, and she has nothing but miscarriages from then on, feels punished by God, and....

Wait! I said I wasn't going to talk about it.

 

[Grandpa]

...I have mentioned a few times that my mom was a domineering "wrap him in plastic" type of mother...as much as I love her, I resent her....I know where in his heart Grandpa speaks from...Ma wouldn't allow me friends, I wasn't permitted to participate in sports or other activities because she feared I would get hurt...girls?...oh frig a duck!...I was so awkward because of this repression that IF I could somehow manage to have a girl speak to me instead of laugh at me-I had to sneak around to have a conversation....I was my own best friend by default...it has taken me years to shrug off some of what I was denied...others?....I can't, that's why my kids were allowed to try most anything they wished, do dumb ass things and I still love them anyway....I do love her, but unlike Job, my patience wears thin...especially with the Hallmark type of perfect Mothers Day celebrations.....that isn't reality for most of us....

I hear ya, my friend. All we can do is feel good for those who are having a Hallmark day - and fortunately, they are legion - and pass on the good parent-mojo to our genetic heritage.

Ever listen to Pink Floyd's The Wall? Now, there was a guy with mother issues.

 

[mjs9153]

I think most everybody has issues at some level with their parents,whether willing to admit it or not..me,I was lucky,my mom is one of the kindest,gentlest,loving ladies I know,never a bad word for anyone.She lost two young sons in the sixties,and another teenage son in the early eighties,and never wavered in her faith of Catholicism and Jesus Christ,and still she had to raise a very large brood of children while grieving those losses..don't know how she did it. God bless you guys,and happy Mother's Day to you all..

 

[Grandpa]

I think most everybody has issues at some level with their parents,whether willing to admit it or not..me,I was lucky,my mom is one of the kindest,gentlest,loving ladies I know,never a bad word for anyone.She lost two young sons in the sixties,and another teenage son in the early eighties,and never wavered in her faith of Catholicism and Jesus Christ,and still she had to raise a very large brood of children while grieving those losses..don't know how she did it. God bless you guys,and happy Mother's Day to you all..

That is a touching, lovely tribute. Thank you, and all the best to your mother on this special day.

 

[mjs9153]

That is a touching, lovely tribute. Thank you, and all the best to your mother on this special day.

I appreciate that very much,sir..best to you and Grandma as well..

 

[kingricefan]

My own Mom wasn't perfect. She was a very loving Mom but after her and my Dad split she went into a deep depression and while she was a fully functioning adult, I don't really remember ever hearing her gut-buster laughing more than a few times while I was growing up. She passed away Nov. 1st of last year and not a day goes by that I don't think about her and wish she were still here. I did my best to try to at least make her smile and to make her proud of me. There were things that were said when I was young that stung, but once I hit my thirties I came to the realization that my Mom was human, with her own faults and I forgave her. She grew up with her own issues from her own parents and I think she was at least able to overcome most of them so that she could be a better parent to her own children. After her and Dad split, she did what she could to make sure my brother and I at least had something to eat each day. It might have only been a ketchup sandwich, but when you're a youngster who cared? It was food. She worked 40 hours a week at a job that at that time showed little regard to women in the workplace. I'm sure there were many times that she had to swallow her pride at work just so that she could make that paycheck to buy us food. We grew much closer in the last twenty years and I thank the Powers That Be that we were able to do so. She's my Mom and the only one I had, so I love her and always will. I got her to laugh the very last time I talked to her and that's what I'll hang on to. I miss her a lot. She was 'good people'.

 

[Dana Jean]

My own Mom wasn't perfect. She was a very loving Mom but after her and my Dad split she went into a deep depression and while she was a fully functioning adult, I don't really remember ever hearing her gut-buster laughing more than a few times while I was growing up. She passed away Nov. 1st of last year and not a day goes by that I don't think about her and wish she were still here. I did my best to try to at least make her smile and to make her proud of me. There were things that were said when I was young that stung, but once I hit my thirties I came to the realization that my Mom was human, with her own faults and I forgave her. She grew up with her own issues from her own parents and I think she was at least able to overcome most of them so that she could be a better parent to her own children. After her and Dad split, she did what she could to make sure my brother and I at least had something to eat each day. It might have only been a ketchup sandwich, but when you're a youngster who cared? It was food. She worked 40 hours a week at a job that at that time showed little regard to women in the workplace. I'm sure there were many times that she had to swallow her pride at work just so that she could make that paycheck to buy us food. We grew much closer in the last twenty years and I thank the Powers That Be that we were able to do so. She's my Mom and the only one I had, so I love her and always will. I got her to laugh the very last time I talked to her and that's what I'll hang on to. I miss her a lot. She was 'good people'.

{{{Dana}}}

We ate miracle whip sandwiches.

 

[Blake]

There must be more like me. I get a little itchy on Mother's Day. I do lavish praise on Grandma and the Daughter and the Sons' Wives. But I see all kinds of homage to people's moms here, on Facebook, and.........

I'm just not there.

I'm not denigrating that adore-Mom sentiment, not at all, and I hope that's obvious. I love Grandma's matriarchal status, and the great relationships with mothers and kids that pervade my family, with the exception of those mother-son relationships that belong to.......

Well, me.

My mom wasn't terrible. She wasn't abusive, really, just very self-absorbed, and she wasn't exactly cursed with an excess of maternal instinct. I believe she meant well for me, but "well" really did need to fit within her predetermined vision of "well," and I never did figure that out, and by the time I could have, I was on my own path to do "well" by my own terms. By the time she died about 13 years ago, I had never gotten the impression that anything I accomplished was respected by her. And... well, I could write a book on our dysfunctional relationship, but it wouldn't be very fun, so I'm not going to.

So to those with some level of awkwardness on this day, who want to pay homage to moms all over for their loving, good work but who can't quite bring it to their own personal level, I hear ya. I get ya. We can be envious of others who have that great relationship, but make it a happy envy. Good for them, and let's make sure we do better for us and our own as we go forward.

Mother's day is nice, but it has been hijacked by commercialism. Mother's day is somewhat anachronistic, and some feminists believe it's an insult to women as it suggests that women are all cuddly and submissive.

 

[CoriSCapnSkip]

Mother's day is nice, but it has been hijacked by commercialism. Mother's day is somewhat anachronistic, and some feminists believe it's an insult to women as it suggests that women are all cuddly and submissive.

Unfortunately the woman who originated Mother's Day was so outraged by the way it turned commercial immediately and never turned back despite her lifelong efforts she actually lost her mind. I feel sorry for her and also anyone who had a bad mother or a tragic separation by any means, especially on holidays and especially Mother's Day.

 

[Sundrop]

There must be more like me. I get a little itchy on Mother's Day. I do lavish praise on Grandma and the Daughter and the Sons' Wives. But I see all kinds of homage to people's moms here, on Facebook, and.........

I'm just not there.

I'm not denigrating that adore-Mom sentiment, not at all, and I hope that's obvious. I love Grandma's matriarchal status, and the great relationships with mothers and kids that pervade my family, with the exception of those mother-son relationships that belong to.......

Well, me.

My mom wasn't terrible. She wasn't abusive, really, just very self-absorbed, and she wasn't exactly cursed with an excess of maternal instinct. I believe she meant well for me, but "well" really did need to fit within her predetermined vision of "well," and I never did figure that out, and by the time I could have, I was on my own path to do "well" by my own terms. By the time she died about 13 years ago, I had never gotten the impression that anything I accomplished was respected by her. And... well, I could write a book on our dysfunctional relationship, but it wouldn't be very fun, so I'm not going to.

So to those with some level of awkwardness on this day, who want to pay homage to moms all over for their loving, good work but who can't quite bring it to their own personal level, I hear ya. I get ya. We can be envious of others who have that great relationship, but make it a happy envy. Good for them, and let's make sure we do better for us and our own as we go forward.

I feel this way about father's day, Grandpa.......♥

 

[DiO'Bolic]

The day after Mother’s Day is the start of a month long process for my wife trying to figure out how to make Father's Day more about her.

 

[not_nadine]

I'm a Godmother of two. That count?

Did to me.

 

[Out of Order]

I'm a Godmother of two. That count?

Did to me.

Did you make them an offer they can't refuse?

 

[not_nadine]

Did you make them an offer they can't refuse?

No, dude. I didn't have to say anything. They knew by the way I ate an orange.

 

[Neesy]

There must be more like me. I get a little itchy on Mother's Day. I do lavish praise on Grandma and the Daughter and the Sons' Wives. But I see all kinds of homage to people's moms here, on Facebook, and.........

I'm just not there.

I'm not denigrating that adore-Mom sentiment, not at all, and I hope that's obvious. I love Grandma's matriarchal status, and the great relationships with mothers and kids that pervade my family, with the exception of those mother-son relationships that belong to.......

Well, me.

My mom wasn't terrible. She wasn't abusive, really, just very self-absorbed, and she wasn't exactly cursed with an excess of maternal instinct. I believe she meant well for me, but "well" really did need to fit within her predetermined vision of "well," and I never did figure that out, and by the time I could have, I was on my own path to do "well" by my own terms. By the time she died about 13 years ago, I had never gotten the impression that anything I accomplished was respected by her. And... well, I could write a book on our dysfunctional relationship, but it wouldn't be very fun, so I'm not going to.

So to those with some level of awkwardness on this day, who want to pay homage to moms all over for their loving, good work but who can't quite bring it to their own personal level, I hear ya. I get ya. We can be envious of others who have that great relationship, but make it a happy envy. Good for them, and let's make sure we do better for us and our own as we go forward.

Ditto

I felt very close to my Dad but Mom was a heavy smoker and being from Glasgow had a strong accent. She was a bit 'rough around the edges'.

Now on the other side of the coin - she would do anything for us kids at home - she was not selfish at all.

I only realized after her death just how good she was to others.

((((Mom))))

I thought about her a lot when I ended up going to Glasgow and was walking 'the high street', as they call it over there.

Edit: my Mom told us lots of superstitions, ghostie type stories and was sort of the family historian. She was also a voracious reader and quite intelligent.

She said she wanted to go to school and become a nurse.
Her name was Ina - rest in peace, Mom - we miss you very much

(She ended up having 8 kids!)
12 pregnancies - four miscarriages and 8 live births.

 

[Out of Order]

No, dude. I didn't have to say anything. They knew by the way I ate an orange.

I'll abide by that........

 

[not_nadine]

I'll abide by that........

They knew not to pee on a rug, tell ya that.