This is such a hard time for so many! ((HipMamaJen)) ((Hollygirl))) ((All in need)) We are Ka-Tet and here for you!
Hipmamajen? Who's that?
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Howdy Ma'am, Always remember that on the great roller-coaster of life, when you're careening to the bottom it'll eventually swoop up and take you skyward. Calm days ahead, peace, and Merry Christmas, mal.
(((Jen ))) we Will be think in of and keeping a seat for you whenever you need it. We are here for you.
...nice metaphor....like it a lot....
Neesy
#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
You poor thing - sounds like you have been through Hell and back (((((hipmamajen)))))Is what I'm sure you're asking yourselves, because I've been completely gone lately.
Guys, I fell in a hole and got plowed under. I'm still under. I just can't get my ****e together. GNTLGNT called me weeks ago and asked me to do a pretty minor thing for him, and I still haven't managed it. (I'm so sorry. I still have it on my To Do list, if it still needs doing.)
Alysia, my as-good-as niece, died mid-October of 2013, and I don't know why but this year has been so much harder than last year. Her birthday is mid-November, so I know that the month in there might be rough, it was in 2013 (of course) and 2014.
This year, there was a convention in Denver for our favorite TV show, and it was scheduled awesomely for the first week of November. Janet (my bestie, Alysia's mom) and 2 of my girls signed up way early in the year to go. We thought it would help bolster up that hard month, and give us something fun to look forward to.
And it did, and it was really great. Much fun was had, and much money was spent by all.
But the first day of the convention, as we were standing in line to go to the first event, Janet was checking her Facebook and said, "Hey, did you see all these articles about your church?"
(At this point, I would like to say that I don't want this post to be about my church which is probably easy to guess from what I've written here, or their policies, or where they can stick them or whether I'm a bad person for my reactions or belonging in the first place, etc. I don't want this thread to end up in Hot Topics. If we even still have Hot Topics? It's been a while..... If you have any discussion specifically on this topic, hit me up in a PM, okay?)
We were in the line forEVER, so I was able to surf around and find out that a policy change made behind the scenes by church leadership had been leaked to the press, and all heck had broken loose.
I was crushed. (Again, agree or disagree, please don't make this thread about the change because I don't want it getting crazy in here. I have to bring it up because it's central to what happened, but I'm trying to keep it kind of opaque for the purposes of not making a big mess for the mods....)
Church has been a sanctuary and support to us for a long time, but this new change didn't sit well with our consciences. Long story short, we decided to disengage. I feel very comfortable with that decision for a number of reasons, but it's still like losing an entire community. Which is not to say that we are being ostracized, everyone is as wonderful as always, but it's not the same.
So, I'm in a spin about that. And I'm angry!
And, now we're back to Christmas shopping time, which is super hard this year without Alysia. She would have turned 20 last month, and I miss her. And I'm seeing all the things my girls are doing that she will never do, and it hurts. When I think of all the things I get to do with my kids that Janet can't do with Alysia, it's slightly mitigated because my kids spend so much time with her. I know it's not the same. But, I swear they like her more than they like me!
Anyway, in the big picture, none of this is important. In 100 years, no one will be alive who remembers any of this. I am aware that, in a world on the brink of war, my crap is pretty small. But, it's keeping me plowed under. There are days I just start crying and I have to stop and think back to why I started. And this is WITH medication! (I've always been a crybaby drama queen, so it's not as bad as it sounds.)
Anyway, I'm not ignoring you guys, I'm ignoring everyone. I keep my Facebook up because I don't want to deal with my family all up in my business. If there's anything more anyone than family in general, it's family when they're trying to help!
I'll try to keep up better. Love to all.
I had to take time off a couple of years ago myself - I just want to tell you:
This will pass. Things will get better. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. There is always a person here who will lend an ear, to help you feel better or make you smile.
What Neesy said.
Good to see your name pop up again. Sorry that your road this year has been so rocky. Drop a line if you'd like or if you need something. Wishing for you to find your peace, serenity, and balance again soon.
((((Jen)))) Hugs and love and peace to you. 
(((Jen))) may you have better times soon.
Hey guys! Two days in a row I got messaged on Facebook by SKMB people, and I thought that must mean something..... Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts!
The last time I spoke to GNTLGNT, I told him, "I'm not ignoring you guys, I'm ignoring everyone." Well, except Facebook where I pretend like things are pretty decent so my family doesn't catch on. Facebook Jen is my secret alter-ego, she doesn't go places any more than I do, but she puts on makeup sometimes and posts photos so things seem less....I don't even know how to describe it all.
I pulled up this thread to see how long it had been since I posted, and what version of the story I was telling at the time. I am going to just rip off the bandaid and tell you guys what's really going on. Please don't read this like, "Poor me, wah wah," because I hate feeling like that. I get through all this stuff because I laugh at it, and I hope you can find humor in it too. At the very least, don't feel like I'm dropping a burden at your feet to deal with. I'm not sharing this to change the structure of my relationship with anyone, just to explain why I've been gone.
I didn't lie earlier, I just omitted vast sh¡tloads of the situation. Because, the story is pretty grim and because I have always been the person who helps people when the bottom drops out, and I can't stand not only *not being useful in any fashion,* but being in need myself.
So, I'm sharing because I think dropping out of sight is an a$$hole move and I hate being that guy, and also so no one worries that things are actually worse than they are, or that anyone around here did something to make me take my ball and go home.
Straight up front I will tell you that I am not dying. Nor am I suicidal. Although there are plenty of days that I do not want to "do today," nor do I want to be me any more. All of the proper doctors are aware of this, and we're working on medication, so no worries there.
The reason why every day seems so d@mn impossible, and why I don't want to live in this skin any more is that I hurt. All the time. A lot. I'm sure I'm mentioned over the years my chronic pain issues, migraines, fibromyalgia etc. I don't talk about them much because, again, I'm sick of being me, I don't want everyone to get sick of hearing about me, kwim?
This last few months has produced a precipitous decline in my ability to function on a day to day basis. The docs don't know why. At first there was concern that there were actual brain changes going on, MS or something similar, but I had a CAT scan recently and everything looks good. We're changing up medications, trying new schedules, adding in alternative medical treatments, exercise, dietary changes....no dice.
We even made major jumps in my strength/dosage of painkillers, which is a whole scary freaking issue on its own. We've backed down to "slow and steady wins the race levels," because every bump in dosage only works until my body becomes tolerant. I'm 45 years old, and with no expected cure in sight. If I take enough pain medication to actually kill the pain today, then change the dose every time I needed to, I will be 80 years old trying to get my grandkids to sneak some black tar heroin into the nursing home because ain't no way the doctors will be comfortable with the dosage I'd be used to at that point. I'll be the one in the corner, shrieking and pissing herself, asking every 35 seconds "Is it 3 o'clock yet? Are you sure? Check again! Meds come at three.... Is it 3 o'clock yet?"
So, there's that.
I'm still heartbroken about church. And I don't think I'll ever get over losing Alysia, but I don't think I'm meant to. I think we just learn to drive around the giant holes left in our hearts when we lose someone that big in our lives.
Between the pain issues, and losing the feeling of being a proud and productive member of my household and society, there is some depression going on. I think that's unavoidable. Pain takes so much of your life energy away, on a good day I wake up with maybe 10% of the "oomph" I used to have. If I've overdone it the day before (like brazenly taking a shower AND leaving the house for some reason) I can count on even more pain and less energy for the next day or two.
**This is the hard part to talk about, because I feel ashamed about it and so d@mn angry.**
There are a lot of days that I don't even manage to get out of bed. Or, I'm up for an hour or two. Or I think I'm okay so I pop in the shower since it may have been a few days, and partway through shampooing my hair my muscles and joints start to grind and I know when I get out I'll be going right back to bed.
I can't even believe that. I hate to see that typed out. For Gourd's sake, don't say anything to my parents if you run into them somewhere. I love them to pieces but I don't need the extra "help."
So, that's what's up. My husband and Janet set up a weekend trip to Vegas for Janet and I in February, totally low-key, all contained in the same hotel. No dealing with driving around, hiking the Strip, carrying stuff in and out. Just elevators and room service. And I'm scared to death, because as great as it sounds, I know I'll be wrecked by the time we get there.
In fact, here's a good example of how my stupid body works... I got really excited when I learned about the trip! And that excitement (not dancing around, but definitely hyper-ventilating and a little screamy) sent me into a flare. Not quite rigor mortis, but when the day comes I bet it will feel pretty familiar.
Picture telling the Tin Man that the Wizard could give him a heart - then having to get the oil can out and having to start all over because he locked up again out of joy at the news. And then finding out he wasn't rusted up when you found him because he'd been in the wind and rain for years, but because that's just how he is. How much oil do you have? I think you'll probably just need to bring the heart back to him, he's not going to make it any appreciable distance toward the Emerald City. In fact, he may want to skip asking for a heart and just find out if the Wizard can rebuild him out of something completely different.
So, as I said, I'm not ignoring you guys, I'm ignoring everyone. My kids hang out in bed with me some days just to get Mom time.
I don't need any pity, and I don't expect you guys to have any answers. I just feel like a complete turd letting everyone worry. And really, things sound bad but it's just a matter of sorting out my "new normal" while my docs hopefully come up with new stuff to try.
Thanks for listening, and for keeping the light on for me. As always, I love you guys!
The last time I spoke to GNTLGNT, I told him, "I'm not ignoring you guys, I'm ignoring everyone." Well, except Facebook where I pretend like things are pretty decent so my family doesn't catch on. Facebook Jen is my secret alter-ego, she doesn't go places any more than I do, but she puts on makeup sometimes and posts photos so things seem less....I don't even know how to describe it all.
I pulled up this thread to see how long it had been since I posted, and what version of the story I was telling at the time. I am going to just rip off the bandaid and tell you guys what's really going on. Please don't read this like, "Poor me, wah wah," because I hate feeling like that. I get through all this stuff because I laugh at it, and I hope you can find humor in it too. At the very least, don't feel like I'm dropping a burden at your feet to deal with. I'm not sharing this to change the structure of my relationship with anyone, just to explain why I've been gone.
I didn't lie earlier, I just omitted vast sh¡tloads of the situation. Because, the story is pretty grim and because I have always been the person who helps people when the bottom drops out, and I can't stand not only *not being useful in any fashion,* but being in need myself.
So, I'm sharing because I think dropping out of sight is an a$$hole move and I hate being that guy, and also so no one worries that things are actually worse than they are, or that anyone around here did something to make me take my ball and go home.
Straight up front I will tell you that I am not dying. Nor am I suicidal. Although there are plenty of days that I do not want to "do today," nor do I want to be me any more. All of the proper doctors are aware of this, and we're working on medication, so no worries there.
The reason why every day seems so d@mn impossible, and why I don't want to live in this skin any more is that I hurt. All the time. A lot. I'm sure I'm mentioned over the years my chronic pain issues, migraines, fibromyalgia etc. I don't talk about them much because, again, I'm sick of being me, I don't want everyone to get sick of hearing about me, kwim?
This last few months has produced a precipitous decline in my ability to function on a day to day basis. The docs don't know why. At first there was concern that there were actual brain changes going on, MS or something similar, but I had a CAT scan recently and everything looks good. We're changing up medications, trying new schedules, adding in alternative medical treatments, exercise, dietary changes....no dice.
We even made major jumps in my strength/dosage of painkillers, which is a whole scary freaking issue on its own. We've backed down to "slow and steady wins the race levels," because every bump in dosage only works until my body becomes tolerant. I'm 45 years old, and with no expected cure in sight. If I take enough pain medication to actually kill the pain today, then change the dose every time I needed to, I will be 80 years old trying to get my grandkids to sneak some black tar heroin into the nursing home because ain't no way the doctors will be comfortable with the dosage I'd be used to at that point. I'll be the one in the corner, shrieking and pissing herself, asking every 35 seconds "Is it 3 o'clock yet? Are you sure? Check again! Meds come at three.... Is it 3 o'clock yet?"
So, there's that.
I'm still heartbroken about church. And I don't think I'll ever get over losing Alysia, but I don't think I'm meant to. I think we just learn to drive around the giant holes left in our hearts when we lose someone that big in our lives.
Between the pain issues, and losing the feeling of being a proud and productive member of my household and society, there is some depression going on. I think that's unavoidable. Pain takes so much of your life energy away, on a good day I wake up with maybe 10% of the "oomph" I used to have. If I've overdone it the day before (like brazenly taking a shower AND leaving the house for some reason) I can count on even more pain and less energy for the next day or two.
**This is the hard part to talk about, because I feel ashamed about it and so d@mn angry.**
There are a lot of days that I don't even manage to get out of bed. Or, I'm up for an hour or two. Or I think I'm okay so I pop in the shower since it may have been a few days, and partway through shampooing my hair my muscles and joints start to grind and I know when I get out I'll be going right back to bed.
I can't even believe that. I hate to see that typed out. For Gourd's sake, don't say anything to my parents if you run into them somewhere. I love them to pieces but I don't need the extra "help."
So, that's what's up. My husband and Janet set up a weekend trip to Vegas for Janet and I in February, totally low-key, all contained in the same hotel. No dealing with driving around, hiking the Strip, carrying stuff in and out. Just elevators and room service. And I'm scared to death, because as great as it sounds, I know I'll be wrecked by the time we get there.
In fact, here's a good example of how my stupid body works... I got really excited when I learned about the trip! And that excitement (not dancing around, but definitely hyper-ventilating and a little screamy) sent me into a flare. Not quite rigor mortis, but when the day comes I bet it will feel pretty familiar.
Picture telling the Tin Man that the Wizard could give him a heart - then having to get the oil can out and having to start all over because he locked up again out of joy at the news. And then finding out he wasn't rusted up when you found him because he'd been in the wind and rain for years, but because that's just how he is. How much oil do you have? I think you'll probably just need to bring the heart back to him, he's not going to make it any appreciable distance toward the Emerald City. In fact, he may want to skip asking for a heart and just find out if the Wizard can rebuild him out of something completely different.
So, as I said, I'm not ignoring you guys, I'm ignoring everyone. My kids hang out in bed with me some days just to get Mom time.
I don't need any pity, and I don't expect you guys to have any answers. I just feel like a complete turd letting everyone worry. And really, things sound bad but it's just a matter of sorting out my "new normal" while my docs hopefully come up with new stuff to try.
Thanks for listening, and for keeping the light on for me. As always, I love you guys!
Oh, Sister, I feel you. I have those days, too. Days when it doesn't even feel like I want to touch the damn floor. So, yeah, you are not alone, if that helps at all.
Thanks for checking in and please feel free to send me a Friend request on Facebook. Misery loves company, sayin'?
Jen, you will be held in the deepest of prayers and positive vibes. Guidance to the docs to find the correct meds. Inner peace vibes for you to deal with daily life. Candle is lit. Sending you love and green lights. Know you are missed and care about by the Tet. (((Jen)))
I don't want to start any drama, but may I ask if you've considered medical cannabis? If you're not comfortable with the topic just say the word and I'll zip my lips; but if you're open to the idea, I've heard some amazing stories.
Beyond that, it is so good to "hear your voice"! We've missed you. But we aren't going anywhere as long as this site is up, so do what you must to keep your sanity and your strength. Come back to us when you feel ready. We'll be here.
Beyond that, it is so good to "hear your voice"! We've missed you. But we aren't going anywhere as long as this site is up, so do what you must to keep your sanity and your strength. Come back to us when you feel ready. We'll be here.
You will always be one of us. Doesn't matter if you're gone awhile while sorting out your life. You will of course be missed but no reason to feel bad over that. Be safe, take care and feel better soon. And when you're ready we will be here with open arms to welcome you back.
Something can be done for you, I'm sure. Healing vibes sent your way.
...well now don't I look like a dumba**, thinking she took a powder on us, or I did something to make her angry....Jen, if there is ANYTHING-you let me know, and I also feel like a sh*t because I layed work on you to help me with the Kon, not knowing your backstory....I knew not the scope-and I apologize for any ignorance on my part.....prayers of all sorts and an abundance of love.....