Hrmph... I LOOK LIKE A MILLION BUCKS!Sorry, you'd have to pay me and I don't think I'm thathard up(better rethink that one) lacking for money yet.
(all green and wrinkled)
I Am Angry Today Because . . .
- Thread starter MadamMack
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(all green and wrinkled)
How are your chances to get a part time job and make some money?
I've tried a number of times over the decades. The last time was listing stuff on eBay for a local guy. I worked 54 hours and didn't get paid for any of it. That was pretty much the last straw.
Thanks, everyone. It's not so much a prospect of things not getting better as that even much better will do no good. I've felt at least this bad and worse before. The thing is, from about age ten my whole life seemed a huge test devised to see if I would admit that I was no good at anything, and either would not do the things I said I would, or if I did, they would not be good enough. It was explained to me many times over the decades that this was how things were, and some reasons why, and that I was being unrealistic not to agree. In every case I steadfastly refused, thinking, well, if I don't concede I've lost, there's a chance I could still win.
I have done some things to keep my mind off how horrible my existence is--community orchestra, reading, gardening, listening to audio books and music. I've already been told I can either no longer do these, or will be unable to do them soon. It's not that I can't now, it's just that some have been taken away already and the rest will be so there's no point.
The only thing left that I am consistently physically able to do is watch TV and I may have to give that up. I'm aware that the last good network programs were canceled in the 1990s and if anything has been watchable since then I've been unaware of it, but there has been some non-fiction fare I like or can at least tolerate. Now, though, every time I turn it on I have already seen everything except the most relentlessly boring, pointless, and miserable things I would not watch anyway. It not only makes me discouraged that we're paying a lot for this service and all we get is garbage, but the commercials are worse than the shows!
Lately all I've been able to find that I haven't seen and isn't totally boring is true crime. Let me tell you about one I saw the other night. There was this young man in Florida (of course), early 20s, who had a number of apparently close friends since grade school and suddenly started attacking them--was known to have beat up his best friend a number of times, but the guy kept going back to see him, one of their female friends accused him of rape, and so on. Now it seems one of two things should have happened. Either they should have staged an intervention and told him his steroid use was out of hand, making him do terrible things, or law enforcement should have been involved as these terrible things were illegal. Instead, seven of his friends decided he had hurt too many people and they would lure him to an isolated spot, stab him, and hope gators disposed of the evidence. Some friends, huh?
Then the commercials are worse than the programs. The programs are only about being robbed, raped, and murdered. The commercials are like, if you think a broken leg hurts, wait till you get fibromyalgia! If you think the flu hurts, wait till you get shingles! Then you will take medicine and the side effects will KILL you! I am like, hey, I feel bad enough now, I am not waiting around for this.
So the one thing that's changed is, if my whole life was some test to make me admit I am not good enough, well, that's the only thing I haven't tried. So what happens if I say, fine, you guys have been waiting 45 years for me to admit you are right and I am wrong, I'm slime, so I'm slime, now are you happy? Does this fix everything? I think NOT.
I have done some things to keep my mind off how horrible my existence is--community orchestra, reading, gardening, listening to audio books and music. I've already been told I can either no longer do these, or will be unable to do them soon. It's not that I can't now, it's just that some have been taken away already and the rest will be so there's no point.
The only thing left that I am consistently physically able to do is watch TV and I may have to give that up. I'm aware that the last good network programs were canceled in the 1990s and if anything has been watchable since then I've been unaware of it, but there has been some non-fiction fare I like or can at least tolerate. Now, though, every time I turn it on I have already seen everything except the most relentlessly boring, pointless, and miserable things I would not watch anyway. It not only makes me discouraged that we're paying a lot for this service and all we get is garbage, but the commercials are worse than the shows!
Lately all I've been able to find that I haven't seen and isn't totally boring is true crime. Let me tell you about one I saw the other night. There was this young man in Florida (of course), early 20s, who had a number of apparently close friends since grade school and suddenly started attacking them--was known to have beat up his best friend a number of times, but the guy kept going back to see him, one of their female friends accused him of rape, and so on. Now it seems one of two things should have happened. Either they should have staged an intervention and told him his steroid use was out of hand, making him do terrible things, or law enforcement should have been involved as these terrible things were illegal. Instead, seven of his friends decided he had hurt too many people and they would lure him to an isolated spot, stab him, and hope gators disposed of the evidence. Some friends, huh?
Then the commercials are worse than the programs. The programs are only about being robbed, raped, and murdered. The commercials are like, if you think a broken leg hurts, wait till you get fibromyalgia! If you think the flu hurts, wait till you get shingles! Then you will take medicine and the side effects will KILL you! I am like, hey, I feel bad enough now, I am not waiting around for this.
So the one thing that's changed is, if my whole life was some test to make me admit I am not good enough, well, that's the only thing I haven't tried. So what happens if I say, fine, you guys have been waiting 45 years for me to admit you are right and I am wrong, I'm slime, so I'm slime, now are you happy? Does this fix everything? I think NOT.
César Hernández-Meraz
Wants to be Nick, ends up as Larry
Have you tried Anime? Some stories are very interesting. You just have to find which ones are right for you, but there is something for all tastes.
At least this part of your life is better than many others'.
At least this part of your life is better than many others'.
Certain family members have insisted since 1963 that I have a bad temper. (I don't remember 1963 personally but am told this.) One in particular has insisted since 1972 that I am an idiot and a mental defective, based solely on my having flunked math once in 7th grade, and that I became upset every time I was mistreated--had I simply accepted and ignored the bad treatment (supposedly) I would have avoided trouble. (These family members have never been treated like this on a regular basis and object violently on the few occasions when they have been.)
I have reiterated until blue in the face: Do you think the American Revolution was won by colonists saying, oh, the British monarchs are acting too big for their britches, but let's not say anything as there might be trouble?
Do you think the American Civil War was won by saying, oh, some southern states are seceding from the Union because they want to keep slaves, but let's not say anything as there might be trouble?
Do you think the World Wars were won by saying, oh, there seems to be a spot of bother overseas, but let's not say anything as there might be trouble?
Was the Civil Rights movement won by people saying, geez, some people are so set on segregation they will use vicious dogs, fire hoses, clubs, jails, and guns to enforce it, but let's not say anything as there might be trouble? (The women's suffrage and Civil Rights movements are particularly dear to my heart as violent means were enforced to deprive people of their rights, and those demanding their rights jailed as troublemakers.)
I argued until I was blue in the face and all these people could see was, you get upset when anyone does something wrong to you. This is never the responsibility of those committing the wrong, it is due to you being a troublemaker, because you are too much of a mental defective not to make trouble and too much of an idiot to avoid it.
This is where The Twilight Zone comes in. Why am I the only one to not only recognize a serious problem here, I seem to be the only one able to define the problem? (Previous to my being diagnosed with a developmental disability, any problem was written off as a mental illness, bad character flaw, or overactive imagination--never anything real anyone else did.) Repeatedly, hundreds if not thousands of times since early childhood, if I so much as pick my nose, I am pounced on for committing grievous war crimes against humanity, yet every time someone verbally or physically attacks me, insults me, wastes my time, and disrespects my property, if I ask for support or even witnesses to say, "Did you see what they said or did? Do they just get away with that?" I am blamed for "making a big deal out of nothing" and being immature as "we're all adults here." (I hate that phrase--it's open license for abuse without recourse.)
When I realized I had Asperger's Syndrome and received my diagnosis, no one was more shocked or floored than I. I had simply taken on faith that I was the victim of repeated injustices, crappy luck, or really warped senses of humor, not that I was in fact actually defective. It rendered me more than a little uneasy--was any of what I perceived as mistreatment actually justified? I did gain benefits from people acknowledging, oh, so you weren't paranoid all those years. For decades I was accused of being paranoid to the point where I simply ignored bizarre behavior on almost anyone's part, and got in deep with some real psychos who would have scared off anyone else with all the red flags. Then of course I was blamed for not recognizing a bad situation when I saw it.
Yes, all those bad things really happened, you didn't imagine them, but guess what, THEY HAPPENED BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING AN IDIOT AND A MENTAL DEFECTIVE! So even the diagnosis was used not to get me help but to vindicate any mistreatment, with still no acknowledgement of wrongdoing on anyone else's part.
Anyone who's been in online groups with me can attest, I wasn't the only person to have trouble in the ones where there was trouble. (Which was by no means all of them.) I was just the canary in the coal mine who attracted the first and most attention. My family couldn't see this until a couple of public run-ins, one in 2009 and one in 2010 when I was singlehandedly forced to practically annihilate a couple of total strangers in public. (The first time my brother-in-law intervened before the situation could escalate.) I think the message did get through then, that there are people out there with problems besides me, but I am still expected to laugh off the mistreatment and "not make a big deal out of nothing."
Still, my every minor offense is jumped on with spiked boots, while everyone else walks off scot free getting away with murder, and I am dismissed as self-centered and grouchy. Surely that must be the only explanation of why I would be upset when blindsided from left field with a bunch of extra demands while being informed my best efforts aren't good enough. Sure, it's all a character flaw on my part, because everyone else in the world is perfect.
To those with this attitude, I say: be careful what you wish for, you may get it. If all these wonderful people who I'm expected to excuse of every offense are really supposed to be so much better than I am, fine. Live with them, and do without me, but don't say I agreed that it was right because I didn't. I am simply tired of arguing, so give in and give the people what they want, is all I say. If you want me to say I'm not worth anyone's time, trouble, or effort, then fine. Over and out.
I have reiterated until blue in the face: Do you think the American Revolution was won by colonists saying, oh, the British monarchs are acting too big for their britches, but let's not say anything as there might be trouble?
Do you think the American Civil War was won by saying, oh, some southern states are seceding from the Union because they want to keep slaves, but let's not say anything as there might be trouble?
Do you think the World Wars were won by saying, oh, there seems to be a spot of bother overseas, but let's not say anything as there might be trouble?
Was the Civil Rights movement won by people saying, geez, some people are so set on segregation they will use vicious dogs, fire hoses, clubs, jails, and guns to enforce it, but let's not say anything as there might be trouble? (The women's suffrage and Civil Rights movements are particularly dear to my heart as violent means were enforced to deprive people of their rights, and those demanding their rights jailed as troublemakers.)
I argued until I was blue in the face and all these people could see was, you get upset when anyone does something wrong to you. This is never the responsibility of those committing the wrong, it is due to you being a troublemaker, because you are too much of a mental defective not to make trouble and too much of an idiot to avoid it.
This is where The Twilight Zone comes in. Why am I the only one to not only recognize a serious problem here, I seem to be the only one able to define the problem? (Previous to my being diagnosed with a developmental disability, any problem was written off as a mental illness, bad character flaw, or overactive imagination--never anything real anyone else did.) Repeatedly, hundreds if not thousands of times since early childhood, if I so much as pick my nose, I am pounced on for committing grievous war crimes against humanity, yet every time someone verbally or physically attacks me, insults me, wastes my time, and disrespects my property, if I ask for support or even witnesses to say, "Did you see what they said or did? Do they just get away with that?" I am blamed for "making a big deal out of nothing" and being immature as "we're all adults here." (I hate that phrase--it's open license for abuse without recourse.)
When I realized I had Asperger's Syndrome and received my diagnosis, no one was more shocked or floored than I. I had simply taken on faith that I was the victim of repeated injustices, crappy luck, or really warped senses of humor, not that I was in fact actually defective. It rendered me more than a little uneasy--was any of what I perceived as mistreatment actually justified? I did gain benefits from people acknowledging, oh, so you weren't paranoid all those years. For decades I was accused of being paranoid to the point where I simply ignored bizarre behavior on almost anyone's part, and got in deep with some real psychos who would have scared off anyone else with all the red flags. Then of course I was blamed for not recognizing a bad situation when I saw it.
Yes, all those bad things really happened, you didn't imagine them, but guess what, THEY HAPPENED BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING AN IDIOT AND A MENTAL DEFECTIVE! So even the diagnosis was used not to get me help but to vindicate any mistreatment, with still no acknowledgement of wrongdoing on anyone else's part.
Anyone who's been in online groups with me can attest, I wasn't the only person to have trouble in the ones where there was trouble. (Which was by no means all of them.) I was just the canary in the coal mine who attracted the first and most attention. My family couldn't see this until a couple of public run-ins, one in 2009 and one in 2010 when I was singlehandedly forced to practically annihilate a couple of total strangers in public. (The first time my brother-in-law intervened before the situation could escalate.) I think the message did get through then, that there are people out there with problems besides me, but I am still expected to laugh off the mistreatment and "not make a big deal out of nothing."
Still, my every minor offense is jumped on with spiked boots, while everyone else walks off scot free getting away with murder, and I am dismissed as self-centered and grouchy. Surely that must be the only explanation of why I would be upset when blindsided from left field with a bunch of extra demands while being informed my best efforts aren't good enough. Sure, it's all a character flaw on my part, because everyone else in the world is perfect.
To those with this attitude, I say: be careful what you wish for, you may get it. If all these wonderful people who I'm expected to excuse of every offense are really supposed to be so much better than I am, fine. Live with them, and do without me, but don't say I agreed that it was right because I didn't. I am simply tired of arguing, so give in and give the people what they want, is all I say. If you want me to say I'm not worth anyone's time, trouble, or effort, then fine. Over and out.
César Hernández-Meraz
Wants to be Nick, ends up as Larry
Is it okay if I insult and say bad things about your family?
With such a family, it may have been way harder to truly accept one is fine, with differences that make us better at some things, worse at others. Really, everyone is like this, not only people with Asperger's, but just because the others are a large group that is usually better at certain things (mainly, socializing and looking people in the eyes), suddenly everyone who is not like that is wrong and a target to their attacks.
You deserve a family who sees you for who you are, good and bad, and nurtures your natural abilities, instead of limiting you.
Arcadevere
Gentle Lady From Brady Hartsfield Defense Squad
A good additional advice from an anime lover too : it is important to look at the sypnosis of the anime, because some of them can have a dramatic change of genre *cough* Tsubasa Chronicles *cough* XXXHolic* *wink wink*
You can say what you like within reason. It was a complicated family dynamic.
The reason I was chalked off as bad-tempered in 1963 was because, as an only child of less than two years old at the time, I supposedly threw a huge screaming plate-throwing fit when my parents brought home identical twins. I think this is terrible to label a child as bad-tempered for such a reason, and I don't remember it, so certainly the twins, who were a week old, don't, but every time I would be upset about anything they would harp about it as if that was the final word, all to be said, it was decided I had a bad temper and so was not to be taken seriously in any situation. You can imagine being told this improved whatever mood I was in. NOT.
As far as Asperger's, it was absolutely unheard of not only in the '60s and '70s, when knowing about it might have helped with my schooling, but well into the '90s. I didn't learn about it until after going online, which I did in 1999, nor know it had anything to do with me until reading a certain set of characteristics in 2004.
As for mental illness, that probably cut both ways. My mom had relatives who were bipolar (an indication to others that I was of course crazy) and also some of her occupational therapy work took place in the 1950s when terrible state institutions existed with criminal offenses in use as treatments. Ronald Reagan "solved" this problem [sarcasm font] by closing all the money-wasting institutions and throwing the mentally ill out to fend for themselves at Greyhound bus stations. It was almost a joke when one of them shot him. When we watched the Quantum Leap episode "Shock Theater," Mom told me she had seen people whose bones were broken from electroshocks. Having witnessed this sort of thing, she was less inclined to write me off as "crazy" because I cried when other kids called me names--you know, maybe losing it the tenth time after nine things went wrong in a row which I couldn't explain! This didn't seem to happen to the others, at least as much--I was the target. Mom would need much greater indications to diagnose actual insanity. My dad was a drama queen and his explanation was to point at me and declare me guilty as being the one in the wrong in any dispute, obviously because I was mean and quite probably crazy. My sisters learned they could get out of any responsibility for their actions by throwing everything on me, thing is you'd think as adults this would be over and done with, especially as we now have a diagnosis which is not mental illness or bad character, but no.
Regarding employment, it would have been difficult in any case but I spent most of my life in a small rural community where the only jobs are store clerks and such things for which I am entirely unsuited in intellect and temperament, dealing with the public, and even had I been hired in the first place I couldn't face having my ass handed to me as being useless by some supervisor when I'd had that whole thing from family and teachers for years, why did I need to walk into a situation where what little confidence I ever managed to sweep together to hold in reserve for whatever distant time I might prove successful would be torpedoed in the first half hour? Let's just say my employment record has been a bit patchy. Not even being paid to work as the only employee of a guy I had known for years was just the last straw.
This would have been absolutely no problem had I possessed a talent so profound I didn't need a regular job. You see it among many in the entertainment industry, though I feel sorry for those who are big for a time and then lose it. I've heard from a friend whose talent was sidelined due to misdiagnosis and wrong medication. So I'm sort of at a crossroads of should I pursue this, or should I just turn around to everybody and say, oh, sorry, I thought I was talented but I am a no-talent bum after all, too bad, I didn't do it on purpose? So I'm totally confused as to what I should do. If I could have produced proof of great talent I surely would have rather than go through all this, which I don't do for fun!
The problem is should such a talent exist, it must be discovered and developed very quickly, quite nearly instantly, because my mom is old and once she dies my usefulness on this planet ceases entirely. After 45 years of dead ends the thing now is to face the possibility that, I won't even say lacking this talent, but lacking access to facilitate it, I may have to go when she does. I just wanted to put my POV out there now before lapsing into rambling incoherence. Thanks.
More layoffs yesterday. Brings the totals to about 570. In the last month. Only that number does not include all the other businesses also laying off. My town is dying.
It is so hard balancing being so very grateful hubby has not been cut and the sadness over what so many people are facing.
I am scared.
It is so hard balancing being so very grateful hubby has not been cut and the sadness over what so many people are facing.
I am scared.
Absolutely dreaded it when I saw you post in here, a few moments ago. It's never ending is it? Just awful. Still got your back do I!
(((Cat))) We've had a similar situation around here because of paper mill shutdowns. Unfortunately, those towns had relied heavily on the mills for their income--both personal and at the municipal level so it's had a major impact on everyone. I don't say that to minimize your or your community's situation at all--just that I understand how it affects so many people.
Buy more newspapers Ms. Mod!!!! And tell SK to write his manuscripts out like the old days........that'll help.
Geez, I doubt there are that many employed people in my county, to be laid off! We are getting some kind of a pulp mill I am told...I am not sure to make what.
Part of the reason I made all the posts about Apple and iTunes was to show that thousands of complaints have been lodged, many by people more tech-savvy than I, and still that company won't fix the problem and no other company seems to have invented a better system to replace it. I just want evidence that if things don't work, it is not merely because I am lazy, incompetent, a mental defective, or an idiot. I have been told this so many times that sometimes I try longer and harder to make something work than I should, without first checking reports of serious flaws. I will try to check more carefully in future.
Cat, you know I have you in prayers and good thoughts . Manifesting something positive will come from the mine bankruptcy -- maybe stabilize your hubby's mine and move forward. Prayers also for all your friends and neighbor who are losing jobs. Know the Ka-Tet is here-- always.
Oh, they still get printed in multiple copies so doing our part there.Buy more newspapers Ms. Mod!!!! And tell SK to write his manuscripts out like the old days........that'll help.
My recollection is one of the mills produced the paper to print the three Fifty Shades of Gray books. 