I Am Angry Today Because . . .

[CoriSCapnSkip]

Admittedly I've been in this shape and worse at least twice before, once in 1992, because I had passed 30 without succeeding, and again in 1997 because I had passed 35. The differences were:

--At that point I didn't know about the Asperger's. I assumed God had really gifted me with incredible talent and I'd somehow failed to muster my own efforts and coordinate with circumstances in my own life and the business world to make it work. Both times I thought God would be so wroth at me not developing this talent as to kill me. I waited around to see when and how I would be killed, and all that happened on both occasions were other people very close to me in age (the second was Princess Diana who came as a total shock to everyone) died suddenly, about which I was very dismayed and felt bad for a long time.

--I didn't admit it publicly. (I did post about it online but not under my own name.) I assumed because I had escaped death twice, I was meant to live which must mean my talent actually existed and I was spared as I was still meant to use it.

--Before learning of the Asperger's, my two responses when people told me all that was wrong, and how everything was really all my fault, were either, ha-ha, it is not my fault, you're just saying that to try to manipulate me, or okay, it's my fault, but I'll make up for it. After the Asperger's, it was, well, geez, what did people expect anyway?

--This is the first time I've been willing and able to say publicly, sorry, my bad, I perhaps overestimated my talent. (I NEVER deliberately deceived or lied and I am adamant about this.) Maybe everything in the world really is my fault and it will be better off when I'm gone. This does not seem likely to completely make people happy either, but they've been waiting for decades to hear me say this so there it is.

 

[GNTLGNT]

....there are none so helpless as those that will not help themselves.....

 

[GNTLGNT]

....I am angry at myself, because for months now-I have been letting others at work, anger me terribly and depress me......now, I'm sick of feeling emotionally sick, so I refuse to let them drag me into their pit anymore....I have tried several avenues to circumvent and short-circuit the behavior, but it seems to be perpetually renewing.....my fault in this, was trying to get along-and I got treated this way anyway....no more, no more.....I am not the easiest person to be around, but don't deserve the treatment-whether real or perceived.....toxic, is the best way to describe the environment and the higher ups are allowing it....Scotty no play, no more.....

 

[pegasus216]

Good for you, Scott.

 

[Spideyman]

....I am angry at myself, because for months now-I have been letting others at work, anger me terribly and depress me......now, I'm sick of feeling emotionally sick, so I refuse to let them drag me into their pit anymore....I have tried several avenues to circumvent and short-circuit the behavior, but it seems to be perpetually renewing.....my fault in this, was trying to get along-and I got treated this way anyway....no more, no more.....I am not the easiest person to be around, but don't deserve the treatment-whether real or perceived.....toxic, is the best way to describe the environment and the higher ups are allowing it....Scotty no play, no more.....

"to thine own self be true"

 

[Neesy]

....I am angry at myself, because for months now-I have been letting others at work, anger me terribly and depress me......now, I'm sick of feeling emotionally sick, so I refuse to let them drag me into their pit anymore....I have tried several avenues to circumvent and short-circuit the behavior, but it seems to be perpetually renewing.....my fault in this, was trying to get along-and I got treated this way anyway....no more, no more.....I am not the easiest person to be around, but don't deserve the treatment-whether real or perceived.....toxic, is the best way to describe the environment and the higher ups are allowing it....Scotty no play, no more.....

I had something similar happen at work in 2013 - I can look back on it now and realize it was really bad for my mental health.

The best thing that could happen is to distance yourself from all the "crap".
Like Spidey says .... well, - see the quote above.

I am 110% better off now! I had to physically get away from that poisoned environment and I am glad I did.

Best of luck with dealing with all the bullcrap Scott!

 

[staropeace]

Asperger's must be a real trial to live with.

 

[César Hernández-Meraz]

Asperger's must be a real trial to live with.

There are different degrees and even a lot of different ways it manifests itself: some people may not be able to stand certain textures on clothes or food, others may be very sensitive to noise, you get the idea.

It helps to be in a family that nurtures your strengths and understands your weaknesses (the word used for lack of a more appropriate one, just to get the idea across), but if the environment is not of people who try to understand, they would simply think the worst of someone with Asperger's. Just because that person would not do what the others expect , which is not fair.

 

[staropeace]

There are different degrees and even a lot of different ways it manifests itself: some people may not be able to stand certain textures on clothes or food, others may be very sensitive to noise, you get the idea.

It helps to be in a family that nurtures your strengths and understands your weaknesses (the word used for lack of a more appropriate one, just to get the idea across), but if the environment is not of people who try to understand, they would simply think the worst of someone with Asperger's. Just because that person would not do what the others expect , which is not fair.

I know...I majored in psych. It is a much misunderstood illness that is very hard to live with.

 

[CoriSCapnSkip]

Asperger's must be a real trial to live with.

Yeah, and whether knowing when I was younger, would have helped, is the million-dollar question. Would I have been NOT BLAMED for being a terrible person, because I had this condition, and then received some help to make my life different, or would I have been STILL BLAMED for being a terrible person, but the Asperger's held up as an excuse? I rather suspect the latter.

Wow, this assuming the blame for the world's problems is exhausting! Why anyone ever wants to be President of the United States, is far beyond my comprehension, but each to his own. For decades I structured my whole life to limit these issues, carefully avoiding interactions likely to provoke anyone into blaming me for everything wrong in any given situation or the world at large. Naturally this meant most jobs were not open to me, which was fine because when I did apply no one wanted to hire me, so at least that was good from their standpoint, they didn't feel deprived from my not working there and I didn't feel I'd have been an asset to their endeavors.

When confronted that everything was in fact my fault, my two responses were always, you're full of it, you just want someone to blame and you think blaming me will cause me to bow down and kiss your ass, or, you're partly right but I will make up for it. If not for that second one I wouldn't have survived to this point. In a way my strategy really did succeed, as I succeeded in fooling most people that everything was not in fact really as hopeless as it is. I did in large part believe that I would make up for it, so when I did ask for help I was being honest. The reason I would not ask now, for anything short of the miraculous, is that probably someone would try to help and end up terribly disappointed that it wasn't enough, then their effort would be for nothing (except temporarily making me feel better that someone cared). Also, anyone is free to scrutinize my record from birth and they will not find me guilty of any actual crime though I have been tried and convicted.

If everything had not gone consistently and horrendously wrong all month I wouldn't have reached this point, but finally I said, okay, have it your way, I am in fact responsible for everything that has ever gone wrong in the world since my birth (but before then you'll have to find another scapegoat), but I didn't do it on purpose. If anyone after all this really and truly believes I purposely did everything wrong in life, including things when they were not even around or aware of which did not affect them, then that just shows how small a person they are and I have nothing further to say. The only reason I am taking the blame now is 1) Give the people what they want, they've waited my whole life for me to say this, so now I am and hope they are happy, and 2) If things really are as hopeless as they appear, minimize any sense of loss after I am gone, so everyone can say, "Well, she wasn't worth keeping around anyway." You know, do the world a favor.

 

[Dana Jean]

Yeah, and whether knowing when I was younger, would have helped, is the million-dollar question. Would I have been NOT BLAMED for being a terrible person, because I had this condition, and then received some help to make my life different, or would I have been STILL BLAMED for being a terrible person, but the Asperger's held up as an excuse? I rather suspect the latter.

Wow, this assuming the blame for the world's problems is exhausting! Why anyone ever wants to be President of the United States, is far beyond my comprehension, but each to his own. For decades I structured my whole life to limit these issues, carefully avoiding interactions likely to provoke anyone into blaming me for everything wrong in any given situation or the world at large. Naturally this meant most jobs were not open to me, which was fine because when I did apply no one wanted to hire me, so at least that was good from their standpoint, they didn't feel deprived from my not working there and I didn't feel I'd have been an asset to their endeavors.

When confronted that everything was in fact my fault, my two responses were always, you're full of it, you just want someone to blame and you think blaming me will cause me to bow down and kiss your ass, or, you're partly right but I will make up for it. If not for that second one I wouldn't have survived to this point. In a way my strategy really did succeed, as I succeeded in fooling most people that everything was not in fact really as hopeless as it is. I did in large part believe that I would make up for it, so when I did ask for help I was being honest. The reason I would not ask now, for anything short of the miraculous, is that probably someone would try to help and end up terribly disappointed that it wasn't enough, then their effort would be for nothing (except temporarily making me feel better that someone cared). Also, anyone is free to scrutinize my record from birth and they will not find me guilty of any actual crime though I have been tried and convicted.

If everything had not gone consistently and horrendously wrong all month I wouldn't have reached this point, but finally I said, okay, have it your way, I am in fact responsible for everything that has ever gone wrong in the world since my birth (but before then you'll have to find another scapegoat), but I didn't do it on purpose. If anyone after all this really and truly believes I purposely did everything wrong in life, including things when they were not even around or aware of which did not affect them, then that just shows how small a person they are and I have nothing further to say. The only reason I am taking the blame now is 1) Give the people what they want, they've waited my whole life for me to say this, so now I am and hope they are happy, and 2) If things really are as hopeless as they appear, minimize any sense of loss after I am gone, so everyone can say, "Well, she wasn't worth keeping around anyway." You know, do the world a favor.

Cori, I appreciate that you have a lot of feelings about this, but, if as you say, everyone you meet blames you for "everything" that's gone wrong in the world (which I'm guessing you say tongue in cheek, I hope you don't believe that), perhaps it is time to look closer at yourself instead of examining them.

If I were to have as many people as you blaming me for various things, I would seriously start looking at my motives, my words, my actions. I wouldn't fall on the sword and be a martyr accepting the blame, I would work on me and quit worrying about them.

Maybe you need to sit down and make a Strengths and Weaknesses chart. The things YOU THINK are strengths and weaknesses about yourself. Not what OTHERS think they are. Nourish the strengths and work on the weaknesses to make them better.

And just so you know, I'm not blaming you for anything. I don't personally know you. I just want you to turn around the way you look at things and really try to change negatives into positives.

 

[skimom2]

Cori, I appreciate that you have a lot of feelings about this, but, if as you say, everyone you meet blames you for "everything" that's gone wrong in the world (which I'm guessing you say tongue in cheek, I hope you don't believe that), perhaps it is time to look closer at yourself instead of examining them.

If I were to have as many people as you blaming me for various things, I would seriously start looking at my motives, my words, my actions. I wouldn't fall on the sword and be a martyr accepting the blame, I would work on me and quit worrying about them.

Maybe you need to sit down and make a Strengths and Weaknesses chart. The things YOU THINK are strengths and weaknesses about yourself. Not what OTHERS think they are. Nourish the strengths and work on the weaknesses to make them better.

And just so you know, I'm not blaming you for anything. I don't personally know you. I just want you to turn around the way you look at things and really try to change negatives into positives.

This made me think of something a friend of mine posted on FB today:

 

[CoriSCapnSkip]

In response to a friend's statement that we live in a dysfunctional world, and my own post wondering why anyone would want to be president. If Reagan were the "teflon president" (didn't get blamed for anything including actions which were his fault) Obama was appointed the "velcro president" (got blamed for situations beginning well before he was born, whether he was aware of them or not) from the start. This has been one hell of an absurdist parody to watch unfold.

When I assumed blame for the world's problems, I was partly serious but mostly joking. It's my way of saying at this point nothing will help. When it really all hit the fan for me was with the whole iTunes blowup. I was looking forward to an upgrade fixing a few minor problems, not creating many major ones! I did all the "right" things, contacting my Mac pro, and trying to deal with it myself and through help with message boards and Apple support. After doing a bit of research it could not be made more plain that:

--It wasn't me! No one, including very tech savvy people, can use the new iTunes. In this case I would have been delighted had it been my own mistake, as it could have been remedied!
--It used to work well, even for people of moderate intelligence. Now, it does not really work even for rocket scientists. You can use it in a sort of limited way on the occasions when it lets you.
--Apple has known about this for years, they don't want to fix it, and no one has invented an alternative system which does work. Everyone knows everything is broken, and no one wants it fixed except those who have no means to do so.

As for the rest of the world, see below. This isn't the question of a few screwups making poor business decisions or bad life choices. This entire world is being run by insane idiots and maniacs blaming the poor, the sick, the elderly, the disenfranchised, for all that goes wrong, and torpedoing any attempts at help or reform from any quarters. I refuse to call this mess a sane, organized, well-run system, I refuse to contribute to it or do anything to perpetuate it. If that means my taking the blame for a lot of things I neither intended, nor did, then fine.

 

[Sigmund]

CoriSCapnSkip

You have great strengths. YOU can focus on an issue and have a tenacity that would rival anyone.

Now YOU have a choice. YOU have a choice. Live in the past, dwell in it, live your entire life in the mire. OR:

YOU can write a different, positive, scenario.

YOU have been offered many, many positive thoughts and suggestions.

Now, it's up to YOU. YOU choose what you want to do.

(BTW- I strongly suggest you find a cognitive-behavioral therapist. Or not. It's still up to YOU)

Peace.

 

[CoriSCapnSkip]

There are different degrees and even a lot of different ways it manifests itself: some people may not be able to stand certain textures on clothes or food, others may be very sensitive to noise, you get the idea.

It helps to be in a family that nurtures your strengths and understands your weaknesses (the word used for lack of a more appropriate one, just to get the idea across), but if the environment is not of people who try to understand, they would simply think the worst of someone with Asperger's. Just because that person would not do what the others expect , which is not fair.

Regarding gaslighting (trying to pull a "Twilight Zone" to make an individual believe they're always wrong) I'll go you one further. When confronted in a lie, gaslighters brush it off as your "making a big deal about nothing." That's an offhand way of admitting you actually are in fact right but it doesn't matter as nothing important to you matters. I've had this happen so many times I've stopped counting. The difference is now, I've stopped trying to fight for justice either, I just agree with the bas***ds. By the way, fan groups are expert in this. I heard a story from a fan of a celebrity, I won't mention names. Four paid-up members of the club were consistently ostracized from planned events by a conspiracy of other members not letting them know what was going on. (I was not there, but someone told me this and I believe it.) When one person said something, she was accused of being immature. It got so bad the celebrity had to invite the fan club president home for a personal dressing-down. You can't make this shizz up!

 

[Dana Jean]

In response to a friend's statement that we live in a dysfunctional world, and my own post wondering why anyone would want to be president. If Reagan were the "teflon president" (didn't get blamed for anything including actions which were his fault) Obama was appointed the "velcro president" (got blamed for situations beginning well before he was born, whether he was aware of them or not) from the start. This has been one hell of an absurdist parody to watch unfold.

When I assumed blame for the world's problems, I was partly serious but mostly joking. It's my way of saying at this point nothing will help. When it really all hit the fan for me was with the whole iTunes blowup. I was looking forward to an upgrade fixing a few minor problems, not creating many major ones! I did all the "right" things, contacting my Mac pro, and trying to deal with it myself and through help with message boards and Apple support. After doing a bit of research it could not be made more plain that:

--It wasn't me! No one, including very tech savvy people, can use the new iTunes. In this case I would have been delighted had it been my own mistake, as it could have been remedied!
--It used to work well, even for people of moderate intelligence. Now, it does not really work even for rocket scientists. You can use it in a sort of limited way on the occasions when it lets you.
--Apple has known about this for years, they don't want to fix it, and no one has invented an alternative system which does work. Everyone knows everything is broken, and no one wants it fixed except those who have no means to do so.

As for the rest of the world, see below. This isn't the question of a few screwups making poor business decisions or bad life choices. This entire world is being run by insane idiots and maniacs blaming the poor, the sick, the elderly, the disenfranchised, for all that goes wrong, and torpedoing any attempts at help or reform from any quarters. I refuse to call this mess a sane, organized, well-run system, I refuse to contribute to it or do anything to perpetuate it. If that means my taking the blame for a lot of things I neither intended, nor did, then fine.

Okay, so the iTunes thing rocked your world. Let. it. go. Again I will say, if this iTune situation is the WORST thing that is ever going to happen to you in your whole life, you are blessed. There are people in this world WISHING their biggest problem was iTunes not syncing with their computer and phone. But, they don't even have a computer or phone or iTunes. They have no food, no clean drinking water, no access to health care-- I could go on and on.

We all have things that will irritate the holy hell out of us, but, we move on. Move on. Find things that make you giddy happy and immerse yourself in those things. Instead of playing this iTunes mess over and over and over again and then we go from there to Obama and Bush and we're talking other celebrities and it's time to just look ahead like Sigs said.

I know you can do it Cori. I know you can find the things in life that you just love!

 

[danie]

 

[Spideyman]

Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change.

 

[not_nadine]

I'll say it.

Medication will do wonders. It does.

Go to doctor, Cori.

Wish you well.

 

[Neesy]

Change the way you look at things and the things you look at will change.

I'll say it.

Medication will do wonders. It does.

Go to doctor, Cori.

Wish you well.