Jokes
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The crusty old literary agent finally passed away, but his agency kept getting calls asking to speak with him. "I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer. Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.
The reply: "I was one of his screenwriters, and I just like to hear you say it."
The reply: "I was one of his screenwriters, and I just like to hear you say it."
Neesy
#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
It's okay - us old folks got it Blunt - (the Politically Correct Policeman should be at your place by now, though - pretend you're not home)
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my Grandfather.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
Homeless
Neesy
#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
your a programmer aren't you darkness and chaos reminds me of when i have a program to do
Police Patrol
From the State where drunk driving is, apparently, considered a sport, comes this supposedly true story.
Recently a routine Police Patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas.
After last call the Officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the Officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The Police Officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his Patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the Officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station. This breathalyser equipment must be faulty!'
From the State where drunk driving is, apparently, considered a sport, comes this supposedly true story.
Recently a routine Police Patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas.
After last call the Officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the Officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally, he started the engine, switched the wipers on and off....it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The Police Officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his Patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the Officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station. This breathalyser equipment must be faulty!'
'I seriously doubt it', said the truly proud Hillbilly. 'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'
I heard this on the UK show, "Shameless"
A young guy is about to get married and he is talking with his dad. He says to his dad, "Dad, I hear that in some countries men get married to women that they don't even know." Dad says, "Son, that happens in every country."
A young guy is about to get married and he is talking with his dad. He says to his dad, "Dad, I hear that in some countries men get married to women that they don't even know." Dad says, "Son, that happens in every country."
Neesy
#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
Wow - I don't think King Zep does that anymore but for many years he was working with computers (from the very beginning way back when) - that is very perceptive of you!your a programmer aren't you darkness and chaos reminds me of when i have a program to do
(Are you psychic - like having "the second sight" or whatever it is called?
A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, ‘You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K’.
She said, ‘What does that mean?’
He said, ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot’.
She said, ‘Oh that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?’
He said, ‘You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K’.
She said, ‘What does that mean?’
He said, ‘Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot’.
She said, ‘Oh that’s so lovely. What about I, J, K?’
He said, ‘ I’m Just Kidding
your a programmer aren't you darkness and chaos reminds me of when i have a program to do
Wow - I don't think King Zep does that anymore but for many years he was working with computers (from the very beginning way back when) - that is very perceptive of you!
(Are you psychic - like having "the second sight" or whatever it is called?
Pretty close @booklover72 . @Neesy 's right, I spent my entire working life in IT Operations, and came to dread any "programmer" updates or enhancements being installed. It often did mean hours of "darkness and chaos" in Operations, while "patches" were written and applied to the System!
A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a Nurse?"
The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?"
The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well."
Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an Anaesthesiologist?"
He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?"
The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?"
The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well."
Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an Anaesthesiologist?"
He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?"
The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies,
"No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies,
"No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."