Jokes

[kingzeppelin]

Two tall trees, a Birch and a Beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the Beech says to the Birch, "Is that a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?"
The Birch says he cannot tell, but just then a Woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The Birch says, "Hey Woodpecker, you're a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a Beech or a son of a Birch?"

Spoiler

The Woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a Beech nor a son of a Birch! It is, however, the best piece of Ash I have ever poked my pecker into."

 

[blunthead]

Bob received the following text from his neighbor...

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies, with my promise that it will never happen again."

Anguished and betrayed, Bob then went into his bedroom, took his gun, shot and killed his wife, and then turned the gun on himself.

A few moments later, a second text came in...

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

 

[kingzeppelin]

Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a ...

Spoiler

Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis.

 

[kingzeppelin]

Reaching the end of a job interview, a Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The Engineer replied, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the Benefits Package."
The interviewer inquired, "Well, what would you say to a Package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full Medical and Dental cover, a Company matching Retirement Fund to 50% of salary, and a Company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

Spoiler

The Resources Officer replied, "Well yeah, but you started it."

 

[blunthead]

 

[Neesy]

Bob received the following text from his neighbor...

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies, with my promise that it will never happen again."

Anguished and betrayed, Bob then went into his bedroom, took his gun, shot and killed his wife, and then turned the gun on himself.

A few moments later, a second text came in...

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

Autocorrect (that was funny, though!)
p.s. Somebody has shuffled all the smileys up

 

[morgan]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .... Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man For this job.
Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to kill him with the chair'

 

[Neesy]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .... Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man For this job.
Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to kill him with the chair'

 

[Haunted]

 

[kingzeppelin]

A newly married man flew down to the Florida Keys on a business trip and it was arranged that his bride would join him the next day.
When he arrived, he E-Mailed his wife to let her know he made it there safely.
Unfortunately when he keyed the E-Mail, he mistyped the address.
A grieving widow in Boston, whose husband had only recently died, received the E-Mail. She opened and read it, screamed and fainted.
Hearing her Grandmother’s cry, the widow's Granddaughter ran into the room to find the Computer on, and her Grandmother slumped over the keyboard.
On the monitor was a message that read...

Spoiler

"Dear love, I just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you. Love, Me xxx
P.S. Sure is hot down here."

 

[Anni M]

These jokes are fabu! I missed posting here so badly...
So here is one for St Paddy's Day...

An Irishman & a Mercedes

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on this God's earth are dey fer?"? inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Bloody hell", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!".

​

 

[nate_watkins]

A newly married man flew down to the Florida Keys on a business trip and it was arranged that his bride would join him the next day.
When he arrived, he E-Mailed his wife to let her know he made it there safely.
Unfortunately when he keyed the E-Mail, he mistyped the address.
A grieving widow in Boston, whose husband had only recently died, received the E-Mail. She opened and read it, screamed and fainted.
Hearing her Grandmother’s cry, the widow's Granddaughter ran into the room to find the Computer on, and her Grandmother slumped over the keyboard.
On the monitor was a message that read...

Spoiler

"Dear love, I just got here. Preparing for your arrival tomorrow. Can't wait to see you. Love, Me xxx
P.S. Sure is hot down here."

Happy birthday KZ!

 

[kingzeppelin]

A string walks into a Bar and orders a drink.
The Bartender turns to him and says, "Sorry, sir, we don't serve strings in here."
The next day, clinging to a thread, the string returns to that same Bar and orders a drink again.
The Bartender, resolute, again turns and says, "I'm sorry sir but like I said yesterday, we don't serve strings here. I'm going to have to ask you not to return."
Dejected, the string returns home. All night he tosses and turns, wriggles and writhes, and awakes the next morning not at all resembling himself. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he brightens and speeds out his door back to the Bar.
Swaggering in, he orders a drink one more time.
The Bartender stares at him, and asks, "I'm sorry, are you a string? You look very familiar."
The string locks eyes with the Bartender, and states...

Spoiler

"No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."

 

[fljoe0]

My uncle was down in Florida last week and my dad said to him, "looks like you've lost a few pounds." My uncles said, "yeah, I have to take half a Viagra just to keep my pants up."

 

[Out of Order]

 

[kingzeppelin]

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla up a tree in his garden.
He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for "Gorilla Pest Control."
When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, "Is it male or female?"
"Male," he replies.
"Oh yeah, we can do that. I'll be right there," he states.

An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions.
"I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorilla's private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and that's when you move in with the handcuffs!"

The man goes pale and asks, "Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?"

Spoiler

The service guy replies, "Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you've got to shoot that Rottweiler!"

 

[Out of Order]

 

[kingzeppelin]

Have you heard of Ed Zachary disease?

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date, nor any sex, in quite sometime.
Fearful that there could be something very wrong, she paid a visit to her primary physician.
She gratefully accepted the MD's recommendation to see Dr. Chang, the well-known sex therapist.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Okay, take off all your crose," so she did.
"Now, get down and crawl reery, reery fass to other side of room," so she did.
Dr. Chang then said, "Okay, now turn a-round and crawl reery fass to me," so she did.
Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. Yu haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see. That why you not haf sex or dates."
Worried and confused, the woman asked, "What, exactly, is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Spoiler

Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

 

[Out of Order]

 

[blunthead]