Jokes
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants.
"Well," he says, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!"
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree.
He begins the blessing then continues to pray for several minutes.
The girl leans over and whispers, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants.
"Well," he says, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!"
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree.
He begins the blessing then continues to pray for several minutes.
The girl leans over and whispers, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
He leans over to her and whispers back, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.
Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said.
Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"?
"Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies.
The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
..A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO KROGER'S.. Yesterday I was at my local Kroger's grocery
buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the
check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think...I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your
pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here
that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her
no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Kroger won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They
have all the time in the world to think of crazy
things to say.
buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the
check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think...I had an elephant?
So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your
pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here
that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her
no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Kroger won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They
have all the time in the world to think of crazy
things to say.
There are five cows on a farm, one Mamma cow and four calves.
The first baby walks up to the Mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"
The Mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.
"The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?"
The Mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."
The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?"
The Momma cow again replies" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!"
The first baby walks up to the Mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"
The Mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born.
"The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?"
The Mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."
The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?"
The Momma cow again replies" Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head."
The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!"
The Momma cow says, "What are you trying to ask, Cinderblock.
Oh Granma!
A dying Grandma tells her Grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."
The Grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh Grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"
With her last breath, Grandma whispered,
A dying Grandma tells her Grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash."
The Grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh Grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"
With her last breath, Grandma whispered,
"Facebook..."
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
to get to the other slide.
Worms
A Father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son." asked the Father, "what does that show you?"
A Father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son." asked the Father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
Two Grandmas, Edith and Marie, were outside their Nursing Home, having a smoke when it started to rain.
Edith pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Marie asked, "What's that Edith?"
"A condom", Edith replied."This way my cigarette doesn't get wet".
Marie thought that was a great idea and asked "Where did you get it?"
Edith replied "You can get them at any Drugstore."
The next day, Marie hobbles herself into the local Drugstore and announces to the Pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Edith pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Marie asked, "What's that Edith?"
"A condom", Edith replied."This way my cigarette doesn't get wet".
Marie thought that was a great idea and asked "Where did you get it?"
Edith replied "You can get them at any Drugstore."
The next day, Marie hobbles herself into the local Drugstore and announces to the Pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Marie said " Oh, that doesn't matter just as long as it fits a Camel.
The Pharmacist fainted.
Happy Hump Day!
The Pharmacist fainted.
Happy Hump Day!
The Irish Blonde
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We
are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through." So
the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get
through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
Then the electricity went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
"I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so
the snow plows can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave
the car in the garage this time?"
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We
are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through." So
the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get
through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
Then the electricity went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
"I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so
the snow plows can get through?"
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave
the car in the garage this time?"
A Man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a Bum approached him and asked for two dollars.
The Man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The Bum replied, "No."
Then the Man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The Bum again said, "No."
The Man asked, "Will you buy booze?"
The Bum replied, "No."
Then the Man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"
The Bum again said, "No."
So the Man told the Bum, "Okay, I'll give you two dollars if you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble!"
I guess the idea is not very politically correct by today's standards. The idea - the reality - of actual domestic violence is disturbing enough to make me wish I hadn't posted that cartoon.