Jokes
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Neesy
#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
Oh my goodness - were you typing and then got attacked by marauding Jehovah's Witnesses!
Restroom sign in a hotel:
Men to the left
because
Women are always right.
Men to the left
because
Women are always right.
Oh my goodness - were you typing and then got attacked by marauding Jehovah's Witnesses!
Oh my goodness - were you typing and then got attacked by marauding Jehovah's Witnesses!
Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one ...in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs.All the regulars take notice and fall silent. Finally after 6 months of this, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine;" she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my sisters though."
A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes and that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.
Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
Ten years later, now 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.
Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreedthey would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.
Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreedthey would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.
Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.
Ten years later, now 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.
Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreedthey would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.
Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreedthey would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.
Why did the dog get in to the water?
Because he didn't want to be a hot-dog!
It took my mind several moments to actually grasp what was happening here.
And I did wonder what the hell that guy was doing hugging Neesy! (And why did she have a picture of him on her shirt?)
It took my mind several moments to actually grasp what was happening here.
And I did wonder what the hell that guy was doing hugging Neesy! (And why did she have a picture of him on her shirt?)
FENCE OF LOVE
A couple celebrated their 30th Anniversary by re-tracing the route of the first walk that they had ever taken together.
They come to the fence against which they first made love.
The husband said, "Shall we, for old time's sake?"
His wife agreed and they both undress.
Afterwards, the husband said, "You're even better now than you were 30 years ago."
A couple celebrated their 30th Anniversary by re-tracing the route of the first walk that they had ever taken together.
They come to the fence against which they first made love.
The husband said, "Shall we, for old time's sake?"
His wife agreed and they both undress.
Afterwards, the husband said, "You're even better now than you were 30 years ago."
His wife replied, "That fence wasn't electrified 30 years ago!"
DEVIL IN THE CHURCH
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation.
Everyone started screaming and running for the church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon everyone was gone, except for one elderly gentleman who just calmly sat there.
Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation.
Everyone started screaming and running for the church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon everyone was gone, except for one elderly gentleman who just calmly sat there.
Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The old man replied, "You don't scare me none, been married to your sister for over 40 years."
Neesy
#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
It took my mind several moments to actually grasp what was happening here.
And I did wonder what the hell that guy was doing hugging Neesy! (And why did she have a picture of him on her shirt?)
- that was cute!
A farmer castrates his horses horses with two bricks.
"Does it hurt?"
"Not if you move your thumbs out of the way."
"Does it hurt?"
"Not if you move your thumbs out of the way."
Disney One Liners
Why are there no planes where Peter Pan lives?
Why did Mickey go into outerspace?
Why was Tigger in the toilet?
What does Pooh Bear call his girl friend?
What did Snow White say when her photos weren't ready yet?
Why was Cinderella kicked off the soccer team?
Why are there no planes where Peter Pan lives?
Because there is a sign that says "Never Neverland"!
To find Pluto!
He was looking for Pooh!
Hunny!
Some Day My Prints Will come!
Because she always ran away from the ball!
Neesy
#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
Hints on how to liven up your idle hours ... To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. On all your check stubs, write ' For Marijuana'
3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walkand see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,
with a serious face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. WhenThe Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When Leaving the Zoo,Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, we are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final WayTo Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. On all your check stubs, write ' For Marijuana'
3. Skip down the street Rather Than Walkand see how many looks you get.
4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat,
with a serious face.
5. Sing Along At The Opera.
6. WhenThe Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When Leaving the Zoo,Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, we are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final WayTo Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.