Jokes

[Haunted]

The Buttocks
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't
graft any skin from his body, because
he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that
the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from
and they requested that the doctor also
honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed,
everyone was astounded at the man's new face.

He looked more handsome than he ever had before!
All his friends and relatives just went on and on
about his youthful looks! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, 'Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied,
'I get all the thanks that I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek.'

 

[Out of Order]

 

[kingzeppelin]

THE MOST GRUESOME DEATH

There was a long, long line of newly deceased spirits at the gates waiting to get into Heaven. There was not room for all these spirits to fit into Heaven, so only the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, St. Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn''t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer, and started beating him with it until he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I''m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, St. Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick''s refrigerator....."

 

[Haunted]

 

[kingzeppelin]

A senior citizen is driving on the Highway when his wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Spoiler

Herman says, ''Yes I know dear, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

 

[Out of Order]

 

[kingzeppelin]

A man bought a Lie Detector Robot that slaps people who are not telling the truth.
So he decided to test it while having dinner.
He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?"
"At school."his Son replied.
At which the Robot slaps the son.
"Okay, I went to the movies!"
The Father asks, "Which movie?"
"Harry Potter", came the reply.
The Robot slaps the Son again.
"Okay, okay so I was watching porn!"
The Father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The Robot slaps the Father.
The Mom chimes in, "Ha-ha! Like Father like Son!"

Spoiler

The Robot slaps the Mother.

 

[FlakeNoir]

A man bought a Lie Detector Robot that slaps people who are not telling the truth.
So he decided to test it while having dinner.
He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?"
"At school."his Son replied.
At which the Robot slaps the son.
"Okay, I went to the movies!"
The Father asks, "Which movie?"
"Harry Potter", came the reply.
The Robot slaps the Son again.
"Okay, okay so I was watching porn!"
The Father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!"
The Robot slaps the Father.
The Mom chimes in, "Ha-ha! Like Father like Son!"

Spoiler

The Robot slaps the Mother.

 

[kingzeppelin]

A man out hunting killed a deer and took it home to cook for dinner.
He and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess if they ask.
So when his daughter enquired what meat it was her Dad replied, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screamed to her brother,

Spoiler

"Don't eat it Tommy. Its an *******!

 

[kingzeppelin]

Little Johnny liked to gamble. One day, his Dad got a new job, and the family moved to a new city.
Johnny's Dad thought, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."
He called Johnny's new school and said to the Teacher, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow, but he likes to gamble and I'd like your help in breaking his addiction."
The Teacher said, "Okay, I'm happy to do that."
The next day, Johnny walked into class and handed the Teacher an apple and said, "Hi, my name is Johnny."
"Yes Johnny, I know who you are," she replied.
Johnny smiled and said, "I bet you $10 you've got a mole on your butt."
The Teacher thought that she would tackle his little gambling habit head on, so she accepted the bet.
She pulled her pants down, showed him her butt, and there was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny went home and told his Dad that he'd lost $10 to the Teacher and explained why.
His Dad called the Teacher and said, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt, and he lost."
The Teacher said, "Yeah, and I think I cured his addiction to gambling."

Spoiler

Johnny's Dad laughed and said, "No I'm sorry to say you didn't, he'd bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

 

[AnnaMarie]

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes
everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my a** on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. g****** snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white sh** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to
shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the a***ole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a
heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-b**** who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the g****** snowplow.

December 25: Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The b**** is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?



December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his a**. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.



December 31: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

 

[Haunted]

. I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any
time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on
me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

· This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her
pupils?

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..

· I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A
thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police
say they have nothing to go on.

· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Velcro - what a rip off!

· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

___________________________________

 

[Haunted]

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over to the other and whispered
"My butt is asleep."
The other replied
"I know I heard it snore three times."

 

[Out of Order]

 

[blunthead]

 

[Out of Order]

 

[Spideyman]

 

[Haunted]

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, Anne
Maynard, has sued St. Luke's Hospital, saying that after her husband
had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied:
"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct
his eyesight."
>>>

 

[blunthead]

Diaries​

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I went to bed.

About fifteen minutes later, he came to bed, too. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep. I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure there's someone else.

Husband's Diary:

A two-foot putt. Who misses a two-foot putt ?

 

[blunthead]