"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the
changes."
"I am not available right now,
but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the
changes."
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out
of control, mud slides, flooding, severe
thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end
to another, and with the threat of bird flu and
terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time
to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
~~~~~
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic Teacher.
After a long silence, one student rose to her feet.
"Now then young lady, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the Teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
Boris Johnson, the Mayor of London, is being shown around a London hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward where there are a number of people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.
He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies:
"Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
Boris, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
The third starts rattling off:
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"
Boris bemused turns to the Doctor and asks: "Is this a Mental Ward?"
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..
Two elderly gentlemenfrom a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
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