Jokes

[kingzeppelin]

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?"
“Yes,” replies the little girl.
“Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her five dollars.
The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”
The policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!"
“Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa....

Spoiler

the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it."

 

[MadamMack]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your h...usband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.' One of the Staff passed out.

 

[bryras]

One night, George went to the bar. He's having a good time, having some drinks, all is well. As the night goes on, George keeps drinking and ends up throwing up all over his shirt.

"Ah shoot my wife's going to kill me! She's going to know i stayed out all night and got drunk! "

Bartender Bob says " It's fine, just put a $20 in your shirt pocket and tell your wife some guy here threw up on you, gave you 20 dollars to get the shirt cleaned. "

" Great idea!" George exclaims, and proceeds to put the money in his pocket.

He takes a cab home and as he walks through the door, his wife is standing there upset.

His wife "look at you! You're drunk! You've thrown up all over yourself!"

George" No, no honey, you've got it all wrong! While at the bar some guy threw up on my shirt and slipped 20 bucks in my pocket to get it cleaned! "

The next morning Georges wife found a 20 dollar bill in his pants pocket while she was starting the laundry. She asked, "George what is this 20 dollar bill for"?

George says, "Oh yeah, he took took a $h*# in my pants too."

 

[kingzeppelin]

There are 2 cats.
There is the "one two three" cat, and the "un deux trois" cat.
They had a race across the English Channel. Which cat won?
The "one two three" cat because the ....

Spoiler

"un deux trois" cat cinq.

 

[MadamMack]

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?"
“Yes,” replies the little girl.
“Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her five dollars.
The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”
The policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!"
“Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa....

Spoiler

the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it."

Can you believe I got a speeding ticket for going too fast on a bike when I was teen? I was very good at cycling and I was fast~! 15 bucks. I didn't pay and never heard anything else about it either.

 

[booklover72]

What did King Tut do when they removed his brain?

He sent for his mummy.

Sorry, i made it up when i had a few buds on me

 

[blunthead]

 

[blunthead]

 

[blunthead]

 

[Haunted]

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?"
“Yes,” replies the little girl.
“Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her five dollars.
The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?”
The policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!"
“Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa....

Spoiler

the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it."

 

[kingzeppelin]

Two factory workers, a man and a woman, are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've obviously been working too hard, and you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where do you think you are you going?"

Spoiler

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

 

[Haunted]

Two factory workers, a man and a woman, are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've obviously been working too hard, and you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where do you think you are you going?"

Spoiler

The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

 

[blunthead]

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against
you."

The drunk replies, "Your chest."

 

[blunthead]

The Midwest's Top Ten Country & Western Songs
​

10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

and the Number One Country & Western song is...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My A** Out All Day Long

 

[Bevee-from-the-Levee]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," ! he explains,"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..........

Spoiler

"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!

 

[kingzeppelin]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful Lawyer, so the guy in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to Charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the Community in some way?"
The Lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my Mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...., no."
The Lawyer interrupts, "Or that my Brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"Or that my Sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the Lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea."
On a roll, the Lawyer cut him off once again saying....

Spoiler

"So if I don't give any money to them, why on earth should I give any to you?"

 

[kingzeppelin]

Spoiler

A Pirate walks into a bar and it appears that he has a ship's wheel on the front of his trousers.
In fact, it looks like his d*ck is stuck through the centre of it.
The Bartender calls, "Hey Pirate! You've got your d*ck stuck in a steering wheel!"
The Pirate replied, "Arrrr.....Matey, I know!....

Spoiler

It's drivin' me.. nuts!"

 

[FlakeNoir]

Spoiler

A Pirate walks into a bar and it appears that he has a ship's wheel on the front of his trousers.
In fact, it looks like his d*ck is stuck through the centre of it.
The Bartender calls, "Hey Pirate! You've got your d*ck stuck in a steering wheel!"
The Pirate replied, "Arrrr.....Matey, I know!....

Spoiler

It's drivin' me.. nuts!"

 

[Walter Oobleck]

 

[kingzeppelin]

While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several pretty Nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.
“What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them.
“Oh! Nothing,” she says with a chuckle...

Spoiler

“We just wear it every day to keep the Doctors away.”