Jokes
- Thread starter days be strange
- Start date
-
This message board permanently closed on June 30th, 2020 at 4PM EDT and is no longer accepting new members.
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured... in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico.But as we know, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. The people of Mexico, were crazy about mayonnaise and their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning for May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
A forty year old virgin woman is talking to her Priest..
"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
Her Priest replied "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."
"Well, Father, my first husband was a Psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk.
The next one was in Construction, and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow.
The last one was a Gynecologist, and all he did was look.
But this time, Father, I'm marrying a Lawyer ....
"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
Her Priest replied "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. You have had three husbands! Surely that cannot be."
"Well, Father, my first husband was a Psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk.
The next one was in Construction, and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow.
The last one was a Gynecologist, and all he did was look.
But this time, Father, I'm marrying a Lawyer ....
and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
Punny Signs
In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
Sign over a gynaecologist’s Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
At an optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a tire shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a propane filling station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
At a radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
Sign on the back of a septic tank truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises."
Perhaps you've been there...? I haven't. Even after I threw the egg timer away.
So, I suppose this means pix are out of the question.
Hey....! You're assuming that this>>>
means that I have.Maybe... it just means that I'm not gonna tell you stuff!
Yer no fun.Hey....! You're assuming that this>>>
Maybe... it just means that I'm not gonna tell you stuff!
How long until the next egg timer 'breaks'?
Drunk Driving
A gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, and was heading home when he was pulled over by a State Trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one.
So the Trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver when an accident in the opposite lane drew his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the Trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed.
He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door. He answered it, and there stood two more State Troopers.
"Are you Mr. Johnson?" they asked? He admitted that he was.
"Were you pulled over on Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.
"And what did you do then," the Troopers asked."
The man replied that he had driven his car home and gone to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the Troopers enquired.
The man answered that it was in his garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the Troopers.
The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
A gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, and was heading home when he was pulled over by a State Trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one.
So the Trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver when an accident in the opposite lane drew his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the Trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed.
He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door. He answered it, and there stood two more State Troopers.
"Are you Mr. Johnson?" they asked? He admitted that he was.
"Were you pulled over on Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.
"And what did you do then," the Troopers asked."
The man replied that he had driven his car home and gone to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the Troopers enquired.
The man answered that it was in his garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the Troopers.
The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the State Trooper's car.
A Dad is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.
After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The Dad turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women...
Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.
After this goes on for a while, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The Dad turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women...
I told your Mother an hour ago I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"
