Jokes

[kingzeppelin]

Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big. I bet it is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill, and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"
The wife chose to ignore the husband.
Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances towards his wife who completely brushed him off.
"What's wrong?" he asked.

Spoiler

She answered, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie!"

 

[kingzeppelin]

A Millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday.
So during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests, that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two alligators in it.
'To the man who swims across the pool I will give anything of mine they desire.'
So the party continues with no one venturing into the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests run to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man, and he is swimming as hard as he can.
Alligator tails are thrashing the water, and jaws are snapping but this guy just keeps on going.
The alligators are gaining on him but he reaches the end of the pool and scrambles out, completely exhausted.
The Millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, I will give you anything. My Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So Sir, name it and it is yours?'

Spoiler

The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Well for starters I'd like the name of the Bastard that pushed me in!'

 

[Out of Order]

 

[Haunted]

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for
words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," or
"to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held
every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission
is posted at the very end.

. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

. The batteries were given out free of charge.

. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

. A will is a dead giveaway.

. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.

. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop :

. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

 

[kingzeppelin]

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for
words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," or
"to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexphillies is held
every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission
is posted at the very end.

. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

. The batteries were given out free of charge.

. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

. A will is a dead giveaway.

. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.

. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop :

. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Like it, and forgive my adding a late entry...

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

 

[Haunted]

Like it, and forgive my adding a late entry...

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

 

[Bevee-from-the-Levee]

Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.
"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the Smile," says the Coroner.
"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the Lottery. Spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile." he says.
The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector..............

"He thought he was having his picture taken!"

 

[kingzeppelin]

 

[Haunted]

A man from Kuala Lumpur told his wife that he has a business appointment in Beijing for the weekend and that he had a reservation on Malaysia Airlines flight MH370.
Now, he's been stuck for six weeks in his girl friend's house and doesn't have the faintest idea how to go home.



oboy

=

 

[MadamMack]

Some Sound Financial Advice

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 5 years ago, you would have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG 5 years ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers 5 years ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan.

And as a bonus...
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that "on average" Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an American, doesn't it?

 

[FlakeNoir]

Some Sound Financial Advice

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 5 years ago, you would have $49.00 today!
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG 5 years ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers 5 years ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan.

And as a bonus...
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that "on average" Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you damned proud to be an American, doesn't it?

Love it!

 

[MadamMack]

Love it!

Too~

It was shared by one the best programmers from my company . . .I loved it and thought I should pass it along in her honor. The girl is bad~ I like her and we vibe . . .

 

[FlakeNoir]

Too~

It was shared by one the best programmers from my company . . .I loved it and thought I should pass it along in her honor. The girl is bad~ I like her and we vibe . . .

I can see why....

 

[blunthead]

 

[blunthead]

 

[blunthead]

At a pet shop a lady saw a gorgeous parrot. The price on the cage: $50.00.

"Why so little?", she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "This parrot used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The lady thought about it, but decided she had to have the bird anyway, and took it home, hung its cage in her living room, and waited for it to say something.

The parrot looked around the room and at Mom, and said, "New house. New Madam." Mom was a bit shocked at the implication, laughed and thought, "Oh, that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the parrot saw them and said, "New house. New Madam. New girls."

Mom was a bit offended, but then remembered where the parrot had been living, and again laughed it off.

Moments later Doug, the woman's husband, came home from work.

"Hi Doug," the parrot said.

 

[kingzeppelin]

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a Bakery and confronted the Baker with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free baked goods (bread) until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He began marking the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the bread each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the Baker with a smile, "I've been counting too. Tell your Mother, that it is the last loaf of bread she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his Mother.

Spoiler

His Mother nodded and said, "Son, go back to the Baker and tell him I have also had free meat, free milk, and free health care for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

 

[blunthead]

 

[Haunted]

At a pet shop a lady saw a gorgeous parrot. The price on the cage: $50.00.

"Why so little?", she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, "This parrot used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The lady thought about it, but decided she had to have the bird anyway, and took it home, hung its cage in her living room, and waited for it to say something.

The parrot looked around the room and at Mom, and said, "New house. New Madam." Mom was a bit shocked at the implication, laughed and thought, "Oh, that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the parrot saw them and said, "New house. New Madam. New girls."

Mom was a bit offended, but then remembered where the parrot had been living, and again laughed it off.

Moments later Doug, the woman's husband, came home from work.

"Hi Doug," the parrot said.

 

[Haunted]

So true, so true.