Jokes
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A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice.
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your Guardian Angel," the voice answered.
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your Guardian Angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
A seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man looks at the other two and replies, "That's nothing, at seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the seventy year old.
A seventy year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."
An eighty year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."
The ninety year old man looks at the other two and replies, "That's nothing, at seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" asked the seventy year old.
"I don't wake up until nine" he replied.
how a male programmer chats up a female programmer:
I want my control unit, to meet your Arimthetic logic unit and we make a Central processing unit
I want my control unit, to meet your Arimthetic logic unit and we make a Central processing unit
A newly-wed couple are in their Honeymoon Suite and the Groom decides to let the Bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his pants and throws them at her, saying "Put those on."
The Bride replies, "I can't wear your pants!"
"And don't forget that" he replies, "I will always wear the pants in this family!"
The Bride then takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies, "I can't get into your panties!"
He proceeds to take off his pants and throws them at her, saying "Put those on."
The Bride replies, "I can't wear your pants!"
"And don't forget that" he replies, "I will always wear the pants in this family!"
The Bride then takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies, "I can't get into your panties!"
She replies "And you never will if you don't change your attitude!"
You know, I wish I'd never gone to the pool that day. ~ Marco Polo
On a flight to Japan, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a business man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Well-dressed, tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and ...
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a business man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
He's gorgeous. Well-dressed, tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and ...
extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."
I'm back for at least a joke or two!
From Unkee!!!
**********************************
Bill Gates ~
This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom.
Love him or hate him , he sure hits the nail on the head with this!
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about
eleven things they did not and will not learn in school.
He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings
created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and
how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.
The world will expect you to accomplish something
BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping:
They called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault,
so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring
as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you
talk about how cool you thought you were:
So before you save the rain forest
from the parasites of your parent's generation,
try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades
and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.
*This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters.
You don't get summers off and very few employers
are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.
(Do that on your own time.)
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life.
In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds.
Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If you can read this...thank a Teacher.
If you can read this in English...thank a Soldier!!!
From Unkee!!!
**********************************
Bill Gates ~
This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom.
Love him or hate him , he sure hits the nail on the head with this!
Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about
eleven things they did not and will not learn in school.
He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings
created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and
how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem.
The world will expect you to accomplish something
BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping:
They called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault,
so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring
as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you
talk about how cool you thought you were:
So before you save the rain forest
from the parasites of your parent's generation,
try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades
and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.
*This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters.
You don't get summers off and very few employers
are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.
(Do that on your own time.)
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life.
In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds.
Chances are you'll end up working for one.
If you can read this...thank a Teacher.
If you can read this in English...thank a Soldier!!!
Good to see you Anni M. Spot on for the post.
Thanks for the chuckles Anni M, good as ever!
Especially the Bill Gates joke, unfortunately it's so true.
Goodness knows how the future generations are going to survive in the real world, if they keep getting mollycoddled the way they are currently.