I don't get it. I mean not just why it means you got banned. I mean, I guess I'm just...I dunno. Usually I get you, tho sometimes you write funny.This joke will probably be reason-enough to ban the oobleck:
Jokes
- Thread starter days be strange
- Start date
-
This message board permanently closed on June 30th, 2020 at 4PM EDT and is no longer accepting new members.
Walter has never been banned.
Paradigm shift.
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pick-up truck full of badgers.
He pulls the guy over and says... "You can't drive around with badgers in this town! Take them to the Zoo immediately."
The guy says "OK"... and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the same guy still driving around with the truck full of badgers, and they're all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands... "I thought I told you to take these badgers to the Zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies...
He pulls the guy over and says... "You can't drive around with badgers in this town! Take them to the Zoo immediately."
The guy says "OK"... and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the same guy still driving around with the truck full of badgers, and they're all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands... "I thought I told you to take these badgers to the Zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies...
"I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Oh man... delete/spoiler/delete/spoiler? Oh right, it's a neck-support pillow!
(from Unkee Bob)
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight..
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do
these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of
him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of
gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.. 'Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight..
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
stub.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do
these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the
officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that
read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of
him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of
gas.'
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.. 'Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand.'
A BONUS EXTRA
A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old,
fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
The devout cowboy lost his favourite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a badger walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the badger's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
Three weeks later, a badger walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the badger's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the badger. "Your name is written inside the cover.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really p1ssed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped box in the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out and brought the box back into the house.
She opened it and found .....
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift-wrapped box in the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out and brought the box back into the house.
She opened it and found .....
a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been seen since.
A man goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot.
He takes it home and tries to teach it to talk, but instead the parrot just swears at him.
After a few hours of trying to teach the bird, the man finally says, "If you don't stop swearing, I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment."
The parrot continues swearing so the man carries out his threat, and puts the bird in the freezer.
After about an hour, the parrot calls out and asks the man to please open the door.
As the man takes the shivering bird out of the freezer, it says, "I promise to never swear again...
He takes it home and tries to teach it to talk, but instead the parrot just swears at him.
After a few hours of trying to teach the bird, the man finally says, "If you don't stop swearing, I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment."
The parrot continues swearing so the man carries out his threat, and puts the bird in the freezer.
After about an hour, the parrot calls out and asks the man to please open the door.
As the man takes the shivering bird out of the freezer, it says, "I promise to never swear again...
but please tell me what that turkey did!"
A Loose Girl
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"...
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"...
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."