Hey Connor. I hope you're feeling better. You sound a bit like I did before my house burned down. Funny how a thing like almost dying and losing life as you know it puts things in perspective. I used to lay in bed every day, praying for something to kill me because I was too weak to do it myself and, as I understand it, God isn't too fond of suicides. Then the fire happened, it was like the answer to my prayers, but it happened at the crack of dawn and there were other people in the house, plus my cat. Instead of just laying there and letting it take me, like I'd been praying for, my first instinct was to fight for my life. To get my cat and get out, along with the others. My prayer got answered and all I had to do was just lie there, but I didn't. It was a get busy living or get busy dying type situation. I'm really glad to be alive today and I don't feel sad and hopeless anymore. I hope you don't either. But I also hope your house doesn't have to burn down for you to break out of your funk because that really sucks, lol. And it wasn't like, poof, my house burned down and I almost died, geez, I'm all better. It actually took some time and some new perspectives and lessons that came along in the aftermath.
I think you should take care of yourself and not worry about writing to make anyone else happy. I know you want to repay your teacher for her kindness, but I don't think she is sitting around saying, 'when am I going to get my payback for being nice to that kid?' and I also don't think she, or he, would be happy knowing that you are stressing yourself out and feel that you have to come up with a masterpiece in order to feel like a worthwhile person. You are enough. People are and were good to you not because of what you would become, but because of who you already are, and who you've always been. You are already enough and you are totally worthwhile, masterpiece or no. Have fun, and go on an adventure, even if that adventure is just sleeping on a park bench for a night, or skipping a day of school to go to the museum or art gallery, or just wander around aimlessly in a neighbourhood you like. Drag yourself out of bed, forget the writing and just get out of the house. Fresh air and exercise can do wonders, even if it's hell to get started. I had to do that today because I was just sitting here, staring at my screen, and getting nothing. I walked for over an hour. I still don't have any ideas, but I feel like I'm a lot closer than if I'd continued to just sit here stressing my brain. Plus I was able to pick up my dry-cleaning and a new lunchbox for my son so, win-win. Anyways, best.
Oh, and I'm a perfectionist. You know what's good for a perfectionist? Knitting!!! It's awesome! It's a craft where perfectionism really pays off. Each stitch can be glorious in it's perfection, and the feeling of finishing an item with zero flaws is... it's really inspiring and confidence building. I knit sometimes when I'm blocked up and it really clears your head. Just another idea. Keep trying things till something sticks, right?
Seriously, you will LOVE knitting!
(and you get clothes out of it so, win-win!)