Jokes
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Neesy
#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
I about peased me pants..
I Cried!
HOW COLD IS IT?
Degrees Celsius.
+25 Aussies put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe) actually they call it a jumper, which explains why they can't find a "sweater".
+20 Miami residents turn on the heat.
+10 You can see your breath and Vancouverites shiver uncontrollably.
+5 Italian cars don't start.
0 Water freezes.
-5 Maritimers put on T-shirts, Politicians begin to worry about the homeless, British cars don't start.
-10 Toronto water freezes, Vancouverites weep pitiably.
Manitobans eat ice cream on the patio, Maritimers go swimming.
-15 You can hear your breath, Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, Montreal water freezes.
-20 French cars don't start, You plan a vacation in Mexico, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
-25 Too cold to ski, Manitobans do up the top button, You need jumper cables to get the car going.
-30 American cars don't start, Yukoners put on T-shirts, Too cold to skate.
-35 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink, You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Newfoundlanders tongues stick on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.
-40 Cat insists on sleeping in your pyjamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Ottawans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start.
-45 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-50 You plan a two week hot bath (if you could only thaw the water).
The St Lawrence freezes over, Swedish cars don't start.
-55 Vancouverites disappear, Maritimers put on sweaters, Other Canadians put on overcoats.
Your car helps you plan your trip South, but won't start.
-60 Parliamentary hot air freezes, Yukoners close the bathroom window.
-70 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South!
Stay warm & safe you guys!
Degrees Celsius.
+25 Aussies put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe) actually they call it a jumper, which explains why they can't find a "sweater".
+20 Miami residents turn on the heat.
+10 You can see your breath and Vancouverites shiver uncontrollably.
+5 Italian cars don't start.
0 Water freezes.
-5 Maritimers put on T-shirts, Politicians begin to worry about the homeless, British cars don't start.
-10 Toronto water freezes, Vancouverites weep pitiably.
Manitobans eat ice cream on the patio, Maritimers go swimming.
-15 You can hear your breath, Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, Montreal water freezes.
-20 French cars don't start, You plan a vacation in Mexico, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
-25 Too cold to ski, Manitobans do up the top button, You need jumper cables to get the car going.
-30 American cars don't start, Yukoners put on T-shirts, Too cold to skate.
-35 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink, You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Newfoundlanders tongues stick on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.
-40 Cat insists on sleeping in your pyjamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Ottawans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start.
-45 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-50 You plan a two week hot bath (if you could only thaw the water).
The St Lawrence freezes over, Swedish cars don't start.
-55 Vancouverites disappear, Maritimers put on sweaters, Other Canadians put on overcoats.
Your car helps you plan your trip South, but won't start.
-60 Parliamentary hot air freezes, Yukoners close the bathroom window.
-70 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South!
Stay warm & safe you guys!
Sex without condoms is magical... A Baby appears and the Father disappears.
Amsterdam is like a Tour de France..... Just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.
A sign in a Cosmetic Surgery Clinics reads:
If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons.
Two professors chat:
I often find that ideas come to my mind when I'm already in bed. Does this happen to you as well?
Sure, that is why I always have a pen and a block-note beside my bed.
Oh, I always take my Secretary to bed with me.
My Mother in Law is a real treasure!.... And the treasure must be buried...
Bears do not eat bears.
Tigers do not eat tigers.
Dogs do not eat dogs.
Cats have stopped eating Kebabs.
Man says to his wife:
"I will call you Eve. And you know why? Because you are my first woman".
His wife replies "OK, I will call you Peugeot, because I do not know whether you're my 205, 206 or 207th man".
Amsterdam is like a Tour de France..... Just a lot of people on drugs riding bikes.
A sign in a Cosmetic Surgery Clinics reads:
If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons.
Two professors chat:
I often find that ideas come to my mind when I'm already in bed. Does this happen to you as well?
Sure, that is why I always have a pen and a block-note beside my bed.
Oh, I always take my Secretary to bed with me.
My Mother in Law is a real treasure!.... And the treasure must be buried...
Bears do not eat bears.
Tigers do not eat tigers.
Dogs do not eat dogs.
Cats have stopped eating Kebabs.
Man says to his wife:
"I will call you Eve. And you know why? Because you are my first woman".
His wife replies "OK, I will call you Peugeot, because I do not know whether you're my 205, 206 or 207th man".
Cab Driver Goes to Heaven.
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed!"
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed!"
Neesy
#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
I made the mistake of buying a turkey in the post Christmas sale - yuk! It was good for about two days and then suddenly the leftovers just went bad! Ewww - waste of money!
SEX AT 73
I just took a
leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can
have sex at 73.
I'm so happy, because I live at
number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home
afterwards.
And
it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have
to cross the road!
I just took a
leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can
have sex at 73.
I'm so happy, because I live at
number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home
afterwards.
And
it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have
to cross the road!
