Jokes

[kingzeppelin]

A Duck goes into a furniture store and asks 'Got any duck food?'
The guy at the counter says, 'Sorry, we don't sell duck food'.
The little Duck walks out.
The next day, the same Duck asks the same guy. 'Got any duck food?'
'Sorry little Duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. ' replied the guy.
The Duck walks out.
Next day, he's back again, 'Got any duck food?'
The guy, getting angry, shouts 'No! How many more times must I tell you, we don't sell duck food! If you come in here, and ask me that again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'
The Duck walks out.

Spoiler

The next day the Duck walks in, and asks 'Got any nails? '
The guy says 'What?...erh... No!'
'...got any duck food?'

 

[The Nameless]

Can we do "blue" jokes? My favourite comedian is Chubby Brown, and he is absolutely filthy.

Spoiler

I took a girl home the other night, we stripped off, got on the bed and I said "is there any chance I might get you pregnant?" She says "no it's ok, I've had the coil fitted". I said "the size of it, you could have had carpets fitted"

That's about as clean as Chubby gets.

One of my favourite jokes is from The Last Of Us video game. See my signature.

 

[FlakeNoir]

Can we do "blue" jokes? My favourite comedian is Chubby Brown, and he is absolutely filthy.

Spoiler

I took a girl home the other night, we stripped off, got on the bed and I said "is there any chance I might get you pregnant?" She says "no it's ok, I've had the coil fitted". I said "the size of it, you could have had carpets fitted"

That's about as clean as Chubby gets.

One of my favourite jokes is from The Last Of Us video game. See my signature.

As we do have younger members here I think we should be a little choosy about how far we go with posts. The spoiler button is a good idea too.

 

[Neesy]

 

[kellykid]

I have a really stupid one, you have to say it out loud, okay?

Knock knock
Who's there?
I eat mop
I eat mop who?

 

[Neesy]

I have a really stupid one, you have to say it out loud, okay?

Knock knock
Who's there?
I eat mop
I eat mop who?

(oh cripes - I was dumb enough to say this out loud!)

 

[kingzeppelin]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
"Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
"Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.

Spoiler

The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"

 

[nate_watkins]

This is a funny prank video from Brazil. There's no English, but I'm sure you'll figure out what's going on. Although, it took me a minute....

 

[Haunted]

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said :

DA END ISS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW

BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car sped past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"

 

[Neesy]

Ole is the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road. One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said :

DA END ISS NEAR!

TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW

BAFOR IT ISS TOO LATE!

As a car sped past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!"
From the curve, they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Rev. Ole says, "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Pastor Sven agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, 'Bridge Out?'"

Love this - love the accents!

 

[kingzeppelin]

Cold Winter
The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not.
Not really knowing an answer, the Chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this Winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold Winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter."
So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?"

Spoiler

"Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

 

[Angelo Bottigliero]

A Duck goes into a furniture store and asks 'Got any duck food?'
The guy at the counter says, 'Sorry, we don't sell duck food'.
The little Duck walks out.
The next day, the same Duck asks the same guy. 'Got any duck food?'
'Sorry little Duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. ' replied the guy.
The Duck walks out.
Next day, he's back again, 'Got any duck food?'
The guy, getting angry, shouts 'No! How many more times must I tell you, we don't sell duck food! If you come in here, and ask me that again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'
The Duck walks out.

Spoiler

The next day the Duck walks in, and asks 'Got any nails? '
The guy says 'What?...erh... No!'
'...got any duck food?'

Reminded me of another joke

A rabbit walks into a bakery, and says 'Do you have carrotcake?'
The baker says, no, sorry, we don't have that here.
Next day the rabbit is back. 'Do you have carrotcake?'
The baker again replies, sorry, no, I don't bake that.
This goes on another 2 days, so the baker thinks 'You know what... I'll bake one for that little fellow. He must really want one to come back every day despite of me not having it'. So het gets the supplies, googles a recipe, and gets to work. And sure enough, later that day, in walks the rabbit: 'Do you have carrotcake?'
'Yes!' the baker replies with a big smile. 'Yes I do, little buddy, right here!'
And the rabbit goes:

Spoiler

'Disgusting, isn't it?" and walks out...

 

[Angelo Bottigliero]

A Duck goes into a furniture store and asks 'Got any duck food?'
The guy at the counter says, 'Sorry, we don't sell duck food'.
The little Duck walks out.
The next day, the same Duck asks the same guy. 'Got any duck food?'
'Sorry little Duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. ' replied the guy.
The Duck walks out.
Next day, he's back again, 'Got any duck food?'
The guy, getting angry, shouts 'No! How many more times must I tell you, we don't sell duck food! If you come in here, and ask me that again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'
The Duck walks out.

Spoiler

The next day the Duck walks in, and asks 'Got any nails? '
The guy says 'What?...erh... No!'
'...got any duck food?'

 

[blunthead]

A salesman knocks on the front door of a house. The door opens and standing there is six year-old boy with a cigar in his mouth, a glass of whiskey in the other, and a Penthouse tucked under his arm.

The salesman says, "Is your mom or dad at home?"

The boy says, "What do you think?"

 

[Anni M]

Fun Quotes:
**********************************
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them, we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I was just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Smithers

 

[kingzeppelin]

My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.
Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.
"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost.
My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm.

Spoiler

After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

 

[Bevee-from-the-Levee]

English - hilarious!

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and there would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing..........
If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???

Let's face it - English is a crazy language!!

 

[The Nameless]

I bumped into an old friend in a doctor's waiting room, he said
"fancy m,m,m,meeting y,y,y,you here, what the p,p,p,p,problem?"

I said I have a bit of prostate trouble.

"w,w,w,what's that?"

I said I piss how you talk.

 

[addieprey]

I posted this in the jokes thread of the old message board, but thought it was worth a re-post here:

Two holy nuns, big Sister Mary Agnes and small Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through eastern Europe in their car, bring the word of God to Transylvania. As they were stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
“Quick, quick!” shouts big Sister Mary Agnes, “What should we do?”
“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says small Sister Mary Vincent. Big Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, the little vampire hangs on and continues hissing at the two nuns. “What shall I do now?” shouts big Sister Mary Agnes.

“Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican,” replies small Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

“Now what?” shouts big Sister Mary Agnes.
“Show him your cross,” says small Sister Mary Vincent.
“Now you’re talking,” says big Sister Mary Agnes. She then puts down her window and shouts, “Get the hell off our car you blood sucking fool!”

 

[kingzeppelin]

In a small Southern town I came across a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it, but one small feature bothered me.
The three Wise Men were wearing firemen's helmets?
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Spoiler

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three Wise Men came from afar.'"