Thank you thank you, I'll pass this on to Unkee. He'll be pleased!
Jokes
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Another Kliban Pic...Untitled, but I call it The Three Graces
On hearing that her elderly Grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her Grandparents' house to visit her 95-year-old Grandmother and comfort her.
When she asks how her Grandfather has died, her Grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.
" Horrified, Katie tells her Grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."
When she asks how her Grandfather has died, her Grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.
" Horrified, Katie tells her Grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong."
She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
I love jokes...but have a hard time remembering them...and this is from memory.
This lady married to this man sends him a text message:
Windows frozen
The man texts here back:
Pour luke-warm water on windows...will open.
A bit later, she texts him back:
Computer is really screwed up now.
I especially like window jokes, so if you have any, let me know.
This lady married to this man sends him a text message:
Windows frozen
The man texts here back:
Pour luke-warm water on windows...will open.
A bit later, she texts him back:
Computer is really screwed up now.
I especially like window jokes, so if you have any, let me know.
Neesy
#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
Okay but this is an oldie:
Did you hear about the newlyweds who didn't know the difference between Vaseline and window putty?
all their windows fell out
Neesy
#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
A woman places an ad in her local newspaper.
“WANTED a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.”
Two days later her doorbell rings and she answers it.
“Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms, so I won’t beat you, and no legs, so I won't run away.”
“Yeh okay, but what makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.
“WANTED a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.”
Two days later her doorbell rings and she answers it.
“Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms, so I won’t beat you, and no legs, so I won't run away.”
“Yeh okay, but what makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.
Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England.
No running water, or electricity. One night, Mikes' wife goes into labour.
The local doctor is there in attendance. "What do you want me to do, Doctor?"
"Hold the lantern Mike, so I can see what I'm doing. Here it comes!"
The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you've of a fine strapping boy."
"Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern closer, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers a second child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern closer, Mike, Hold the lantern!"
Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby, another boy, for Mike's inspection.
No running water, or electricity. One night, Mikes' wife goes into labour.
The local doctor is there in attendance. "What do you want me to do, Doctor?"
"Hold the lantern Mike, so I can see what I'm doing. Here it comes!"
The doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you've of a fine strapping boy."
"Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern closer, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers a second child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern closer, Mike, Hold the lantern!"
Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby, another boy, for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head
and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
- The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
- The bouncer is a blonde girl.
- I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
- The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head
and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they pitched their tent under the stars, lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later Holmes awakened Watson and said, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes asked, "And what do you deduce from that?"
After a minute, Watson answered, "Well, astronomically, I see that there are millions of galaxies and so potentially billions of planets, and that if there are potentially billions of planets some of them may be similar enough to Earth that logically it’s likely there is life in the Universe other than that just on Earth. Astrologically, I deduce that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can deduce that God is all powerful while we humans are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes said, "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Some hours later Holmes awakened Watson and said, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes asked, "And what do you deduce from that?"
After a minute, Watson answered, "Well, astronomically, I see that there are millions of galaxies and so potentially billions of planets, and that if there are potentially billions of planets some of them may be similar enough to Earth that logically it’s likely there is life in the Universe other than that just on Earth. Astrologically, I deduce that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can deduce that God is all powerful while we humans are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes said, "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
I'm a mail-man and last Christmas a lady on my round, a Mrs. Jankowitz, met me at the door and invited me in for a great breakfast spread.
After I ate, I thanked her but she said, "There's more." She took me to her bedroom and showed me moves I had never imagined.
I told her I had no idea she felt this way. She said, "I don't."
I asked, "What is this all about then?"
She said, "I asked my husband what to give the mail-man for Christmas."
After I ate, I thanked her but she said, "There's more." She took me to her bedroom and showed me moves I had never imagined.
I told her I had no idea she felt this way. She said, "I don't."
I asked, "What is this all about then?"
She said, "I asked my husband what to give the mail-man for Christmas."
He said, "Screw the mail-man, breakfast was my idea."
*Warning... depending on your accent, the following video could be construed as being a bit rude. 
A friend left this for me on my FB page:
(A spoiler won't help, but...)
A friend left this for me on my FB page:
(A spoiler won't help, but...)
Sounds like my boys, Bret and Jemaine.
Madam!
