Once there was a boy named Little Timmy, who awoke one morning to hear his parents having a vicious argument downstairs. He leans his ear to the floorboards so he can hear the argument better. The argument between his folks became more and more heated until he finally heard his pa shout “YOU PURPLE PINECONE!!!!”. In reaction to this, little Timmy’s mum has a look of pure guttural horror on her face, as if this were the worst insult she could ever be called, and began to cry as she slammed the front door.
Little Timmy, a curious boy, immediately begins to wonder just what does “Purple Pinecone” mean? So, he decides to inquire to his dad. “Hey dad, I heard you and ma arguing, and you called her a purple Pinecone, what does that mean?” Little Timmy asks.
In response, his dad screams at the top of his lungs “WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY YOUNG MAN? YOU ARE HEREBY BANISHED FROM THIS HOUSE!!!”
Little Timmy, age 9, recent hobo, decides that the best course of action is to head to school. The day goes pretty normal from there until recess. During recess, he had begun to forget that he had been disowned at age 9, and headed over to his very best friend Little Jimmy, who was sitting on a bench with a new coloring book in his lap. Little Timmy notices that the crayon Little Jimmy is coloring with is purple, which reminds him of his father’s peculiar insult, and he decides to ask his friend if he knows.
“Hey Jimmy, my parents were arguing and my da called my ma a ‘purple Pinecone’, do you have any idea what that means?”.
With a look of pure offense, Little Jimmy replies “How dare you say that to me! We’re not friends anymore!” And runs off to go tell the teacher.
Timmy sits there while his ex-friend tattles, very depressed that he had lost his friendship with Jimmy, who he had been friends with since they were fetuses. He watches with sad eyes as the teacher approaches him with an anger so fierce you’d think she was a rabid armadillo. His teacher grabs him by the arm and yanks him into the classroom.
“What Did you say to Little Jimmy?” She asks with a very sharp rage lingering in her voice.
“I just asked him what a purple Pinecone was” Timmy replies honestly,
“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?” His teacher shrieks at the top her lungs “YOU GO TO THE OFFICE RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN!”
Timmy, always seen as a good boy until that fateful morning, does as he told and heads to the principles office.
“What the heck are you in here for? You’re a straight A student with a perfect record, you never come here!” His principal asks. Hesitantly, Timmy replies with “Well, you see. I was just curious what a ‘Purple Pinecone’ was”
“THATS IT YOUNG MAN, YOU’RE GOING TO GO TALK WITH THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES”
Timmy sits across from the president, more confused than he ever been in his nine years of life.
“I just wanted to know what a purple Pinecone was Mr. President” he says, with a voice that makes it clear he has abandoned hope. The president can barely speak, he can just look at Timmy like he was the most horrifying nightmare one can even imagine.
Timmy’s head is masked, his feet tremble above the trap door, the rope tight around his neck. He has been denied both a last meal and priest, it has not yet even been thirty minutes since he merely questioned the president on his knowledge of the apparently forbidden word. The audience roars for the executioner to make it quick and just pulls the release already with bloodthirsty cries. As the executioner finishes stating that Timmy is being put to death under an infinite amount of counts of treason, the lever is pulled and Timmy’s feet hang a few feet above the ground.
“And what are you in here for?” are the first words Timmy hears as he wakes up at the Gates of hell.
“Hurry up bub I need to know what level of hell you need to be sentenced to” the gate-demon snaps.
“I just wanted to know what a purple Pinecone was” Timmy says with tears in his eyes.
The demon, clearly offended, tells Timmy he could’ve spared him that language and that for his crimes against humanity that he has been banished to the lowest level of hell for eternity.
The lowest level of hell, where Satan dwells himself, is where our young protagonist goes next.
“What the hell are you in here for?” Satan inquires, “No one has ever done something so bad to warrant them this level of hell, you’re the first person to ever come down here. You’re only nine years old, what horrible crime could you have done in that amount of time?”
“I just wanted to know what a purple Pinecone was” Timmy replies
Satan put his palm to his brow, let’s out a deep sigh, and answers the young boy standing in front of him, “You see, it’s this really long joke with no actual punchline”
