Really Bad Jokes.

[Nomik]

A woman is grieving over her husband’s casket at his funeral. I man walks up and says “may I say a word?”
“Certainly”, the woman replies
The man says “plethora”
And she says “thank you, that means a lot.”

 

[Doc Creed]

Why did the English teacher give every single student a copy of Walden?

Spoiler

Because he was Thoreau.

 

[do1you9love?]

 

[Nomik]

Why did the English teacher give every single student a copy of Walden?

Spoiler

Because he was Thoreau.

 

[osnafrank]

Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?

My name is Paul.

 

[Spideyman]

Why did the English teacher give every single student a copy of Walden?

Spoiler

Because he was Thoreau.

 

[GNTLGNT]

 

[Grandpa]

 

[Tery]

I'll just leave this here....

 

[Arkay Lynchpin]

 

[Tiny]

im gonna post Eddie Deans fav' joke, even if its been posted before.

why did the dead baby cross the road?

Spoiler

because it was stapled to the chicken

 

[fljoe0]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other

 

[fljoe0]

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

 

[GNTLGNT]

 

[prufrock21]

Q: Whar are you reading?
A: The Stand.
Q: Who's it by?
A: Stephen King.
Q: What's it about?
A: The end of civilization?
Q: If civilization ends, how will you know?
A: [pause]. Easy. There won't be anybody around to ask me these dumb questions.

 

[Arkay Lynchpin]

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.


Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

Everything’s fine. He woke up.

 

[Sigmund]

Last night I picked up a hitchhiker. He said thanks but how do you know I'm not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.

 

[fljoe0]

A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain in a small town. He's going through his usual run of off-color and "dumb blonde" jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and shouts:
"I've heard just about enough of your stupid blonde jokes, BLOCKHEAD! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What connection can a person's hair color possibly have with their fundamental worth as a human being? It's morons like you that prevent women like myself from being respected at work and in our communities and from reaching our full potential because you and your anachronistic kind continue to perpetuate negative images
against not only blondes, but women in general, for the sake of cheap laughs. You are a pathetic relic of the past, and what you do is not only contrary to discrimination laws in every civilized country, it is deeply offensive to people with modern sensibilities and basic respect for their fellow citizens. You should hang your head in shame, you pusillanimous little maggot."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this Mister! I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

 

[fljoe0]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.

 

[Steffen]

Hang on a second, lemme get my popcorn. With a thread like this, somebody's bound to run afoul of the Moderators.