Sidetrack into a whiny rant:
Moving back into the house, I'm going through boxes and putting stuff away. It's an ongoing process. I'm glad to see some things, even if they're still covered in soot from the fire. Other things are just too bittersweet.
Today, I found some clothes I was wearing in August of 2016 when the fire happened. They're all too small for me. A lot too small. A year and a half of living out of a suitcase, in and out of guestrooms and hotel rooms, not being in control of my own life whatsoever all took a toll on me. And so did medication that makes me vulnerable to sleep eating. Yay. I've put thirty pounds back on. I don't wear a size 6 anymore, and I don't have that thigh gap I had in the years after gastric bypass surgery. I'm not a skinny little twig. And people have said so. Some in passing comments, some in outright criticism.
But I am still 80 pounds to the good. And I'm healthy. And I'm back in my own domain now. If I choose to make weight loss my priority, I could probably get a grip on it and trim right back down in no time. No matter what, I will always have the gastric bypass, and it will always work for me if I put the right combination of nutrients, food and water in my body. Protein shakes, vitamins, and plenty of water would do the trick. And I plan to work on that.
What I don't plan to do is obsess. Getting back into those size 6 skinny jeans isn't at the center of my universe. Putting my house back together is. Caring for my family and my pets is. Finally finishing that bleeping comic book is. Finally finishing my book about the cure for cancer is. Living.
It bothers me whenever somebody says "Oh, you've put your weight back on." Not because it's (less than half) true. But because that's what people choose to see. I've been super fat and I've been super skinny. And I've noticed that people only mention weight when it's on the upper end of the spectrum. When I was skinny, all I heard was "You look great!" When it started coming back, all I heard were negative comments about what a shame it is. With those sideways glances. Bigger girls know the ones I mean.
People online know me for what I type, when I'm having a good day or when I'm being crabby. They know me for what I say and what they've learned about me over the years. Not what size jeans I'm wearing. I wish real life were more like that. If people could judge me on who I am and not my dress size, that would be great.
That's just one of the things I love about you, dear Tet. You know me for the psycho that I am, not for my paunch or thighs. You don't judge.
Anyway.
With that off my chest, I'm going to have a cup of sugar free decaf mocha then hit the hay. Nighty night, dear Tet.
