BeverleyMarsh, My condolences on your loss. My thoughts and prayers go out to your family.
Depression, suicide. How is everyone?
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Thank you both very much.
Oh my gosh - I'm saddened to see that so many struggle. Please know that you're all so special and so loved and so truly brave for sharing your stories here. May you all have someone in your life who can see what you're going through when you can't and guide you to the help you need. It's not a battle you can fight alone.
so sorry to hear about your Grandfather BeverleyMarsh
so sorry to hear about your Grandfather BeverleyMarsh
You're very welcome. Hugs to you.
Having someone in your life that understands is great, but having someone to love is better. My BH will never understand the depths. It's not his nature or his burden and that's an amazing thing: when that hole calls, knowing that there is someone who loves me, doesn't feel that hole, and wants to 'make it better'--will feel that it's somehow his fault if I can't crawl out--is enough to get me faking it until I can make it. A friend who does understand made and sent me this picture:
Now that's a truthy truth, isn't it?
At the end of the day, Albus Dumbledore said something I find very profound, and which has stuck with me:
"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."
Substitute for 'dreams' whatever you like: Pain. Fear. Loss. Anger. Sorrow. Confusion. Whatever.
Life is now, and sometimes just focussing on not 'dwelling' and moving on gets your eyes open and your feet moving, and sooner or later the sun breaks through.
In that spirit, keep moving, y'all. Don't believe everything you think. And remember to live.
Peace.
Now that's a truthy truth, isn't it?At the end of the day, Albus Dumbledore said something I find very profound, and which has stuck with me:
"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live."
Substitute for 'dreams' whatever you like: Pain. Fear. Loss. Anger. Sorrow. Confusion. Whatever.
Life is now, and sometimes just focussing on not 'dwelling' and moving on gets your eyes open and your feet moving, and sooner or later the sun breaks through.
In that spirit, keep moving, y'all. Don't believe everything you think. And remember to live.
Peace.
Quite astonished about the brutal honesty that owerflows this thread. It is nice. Honesty is nice. And i'm sorry for everyone with problems and wish them a speedy recovery. I'm very glad that we can be this honest with eachother. I take that as a healthsign and sign of trust we on this board have for eachother. But i'm rather new here but i always found honesty to be a rather rare thing. Espicially about difficult subjects. To be able to talk about it is a great support. I hope so at least. I actually feel a little pride (a sinful feeling, i knom, i know) to be a part of a board where Honesty can grew and send out flowers. Thanks to all for sharing. I'll think of you all and send good wishes.
Oh, Sorry for your loss BeverleyMarsh. I almost forgot. Impolite of me. Hugs to you.
Oh, Sorry for your loss BeverleyMarsh. I almost forgot. Impolite of me. Hugs to you.
Thank you for the hugs and thank you to anyone who I may have missed. And you're right there is a great sense of honesty and mutual support on this board, I know it has helped me more that I would have though these past 2 days.
Depression and addictions are serious illnesses and not anything somebody should make fun about.
I am a bit stunned because in Germany a hole lot of people think that Americans are more open to conquer depressions or addictions by doing a therapy or a rehab. That this is more social accepted there then in Germany for example.
Did I ever suffered depressions? No, I don't think but it must be horrible.
But i moved out from my moms house a couple of years ago. For the first year I lived near by and had a car so I could pay her or my family a visite. For about four years now I am living where I study and can't visite my family just within half an hour.
It's tough to start in a new city without friends and family. My first year here was really really hard I felt very lonely. Then I even changed my study courses.
I started to study sociology at least for a couple of credit points.
And it helped me because the reason I were suffering at least on the weekends could have been social depreviation.
Social dreprivation are not the same as depressions and the reasons are different too. The reason for social deprivation can be a lack of social contacts, friends just someone to spent time with.
That's part of the reason I still do not like Sundays to be honest with you. It's boring I feel lonely but I often don't find the motivation to do sports or spent time in the city drinking coffee.
I try to prevent me from suffering by meeting friends mostly friday or saturday. I become agitated when I can't find someone to meet in person because at least the sunday will even feel more lonley.
I learned that it is hard not to speak with someone for three days in a row.
That's also the reason why I am always happy when Monday is in full sight.
What's also helping me is spent time here or reading.
It's quite different when you are working in a job from nine to five monday till friday at least that was my experience but it still doesn't feel good.
(((BM)))
I am a bit stunned because in Germany a hole lot of people think that Americans are more open to conquer depressions or addictions by doing a therapy or a rehab. That this is more social accepted there then in Germany for example.
Did I ever suffered depressions? No, I don't think but it must be horrible.
But i moved out from my moms house a couple of years ago. For the first year I lived near by and had a car so I could pay her or my family a visite. For about four years now I am living where I study and can't visite my family just within half an hour.
It's tough to start in a new city without friends and family. My first year here was really really hard I felt very lonely. Then I even changed my study courses.
I started to study sociology at least for a couple of credit points.
And it helped me because the reason I were suffering at least on the weekends could have been social depreviation.
Social dreprivation are not the same as depressions and the reasons are different too. The reason for social deprivation can be a lack of social contacts, friends just someone to spent time with.
That's part of the reason I still do not like Sundays to be honest with you. It's boring I feel lonely but I often don't find the motivation to do sports or spent time in the city drinking coffee.
I try to prevent me from suffering by meeting friends mostly friday or saturday. I become agitated when I can't find someone to meet in person because at least the sunday will even feel more lonley.
I learned that it is hard not to speak with someone for three days in a row.
That's also the reason why I am always happy when Monday is in full sight.
What's also helping me is spent time here or reading.
It's quite different when you are working in a job from nine to five monday till friday at least that was my experience but it still doesn't feel good.
(((BM)))
I have an article that my one cousin shared with me, and it tells a lot about how things got me to where I am. I hope you are able to read it if not, I will try and find another way to attach it. If I copy and paste it will be a really long text post.
Broken home, abusive step parent, never being encouraged always being put down. That was my childhood life.
I developed a drinking problem (addiction runs in my family, so I think genetics is a real possibility to some of these issues) after I was married the first time. Mental abuse and being controlled by him, I once again fell apart and became depressed, sad all the time and didn't do my duties up to his standards, so he got another and then I was thrown into the pit of hell. Having my daughter to raise and depend on me helped bring me out of that pit, but never felt happy or free from the sad feelings.
In out of relationships that always ended up broken because of the "other woman", after my divorce. Always wondering what was wrong with me, why can't I be enough for someone?
Believing I wouldn't have those things in life that you want to have. A husband, a home, children, the white picket fence dream, because there was something wrong with me.
I threw myself into raising my daughter and accepting the fact I would always be alone and that my daughter was all I was going to ever have, and prayed to God I didn't screw it up like everything else.
After 3 years of that, I tripped over Scott in a grocery store I worked at and well we are still together today 21 yrs later. Not without many trials and tribulations, but I finally was LOVED and I was the only one!! Things got better, he believed in me and so I began to be "normal" again. After the birth of our second son, I developed post partum depression and had it really bad, if any of you remember when Marie Osmand had her bought and how she just took off, well that's where I was. Thankfully Scott loved me as much as he does and took me to the Dr. It took him awhile to convince me that something was wrong, but I went and he saved me. Found the right meds after trial and error, but finally found something that worked and Scott was happy to have "HIS WIFE" back.
2001- Lost me sister, she was 28, and had been fighting the demons for several years, after the birth of her son, which I think her post partum got overlooked, her life fell apart, self medicated, ended up in a psych ward and like I said before, doped up and turned loose. Her story is to long to go into, but I watched her be taken away by her depression. Then she seemed to have a handle on life, was doing well. We were all so glad to see her smiling, laughing and living life again- then out of what seemed like nowhere she tried to take her life. Then again and the last time she made sure she wouldn't live through it. The guilt and thousands of other emotions that go through you after loosing someone like that is unbelievable and if you have never been there you truly can't begin to even imagine how you are affected. I am the oldest, the burden of telling my mom she was gone fell on me, making her arrangements as well. Mom was in no mind to do any of the things that needed to be handled. So I was left to stand up and be the strong one and take care of everyone else. I never grieved like I should have. Developed some medical problems and was diagnosed with PTSD. Then 9-11 happened and I was in a deep hole again. But with love and support from Scott and my friends, I made it out.
Things have finally leveled out again, and I can face each day a little easier, but those dark days still come along and I know when they hit now and make sure I tell someone and hold onto the light so to speak and keep coming out on the other side. With an empty nest for the most par and Scott on midnights, and sleeping all day it gets pretty lonely and that brings me down once in awhile. Loneliness is fuel for the fire.
It is a daily battle as some of you know. My cousin who sent me the attached article suffers the same and we help each other out a lot, even though she lives in Texas. The internet and social media makes it so much easier for us these days!
Just because someone appears to be happy and laughing and joking all the time, doesn't mean that they are always ok. The darkness follows us everywhere. But when someone comes to you and needs to talk, just listen. So many times that's all a person needs.
Okay, once again I have rambled on and on.... And I could go on even more, but I won't, for now at least.
Hugs and love to all
Broken home, abusive step parent, never being encouraged always being put down. That was my childhood life.
I developed a drinking problem (addiction runs in my family, so I think genetics is a real possibility to some of these issues) after I was married the first time. Mental abuse and being controlled by him, I once again fell apart and became depressed, sad all the time and didn't do my duties up to his standards, so he got another and then I was thrown into the pit of hell. Having my daughter to raise and depend on me helped bring me out of that pit, but never felt happy or free from the sad feelings.
In out of relationships that always ended up broken because of the "other woman", after my divorce. Always wondering what was wrong with me, why can't I be enough for someone?
Believing I wouldn't have those things in life that you want to have. A husband, a home, children, the white picket fence dream, because there was something wrong with me.
I threw myself into raising my daughter and accepting the fact I would always be alone and that my daughter was all I was going to ever have, and prayed to God I didn't screw it up like everything else.
After 3 years of that, I tripped over Scott in a grocery store I worked at and well we are still together today 21 yrs later. Not without many trials and tribulations, but I finally was LOVED and I was the only one!! Things got better, he believed in me and so I began to be "normal" again. After the birth of our second son, I developed post partum depression and had it really bad, if any of you remember when Marie Osmand had her bought and how she just took off, well that's where I was. Thankfully Scott loved me as much as he does and took me to the Dr. It took him awhile to convince me that something was wrong, but I went and he saved me. Found the right meds after trial and error, but finally found something that worked and Scott was happy to have "HIS WIFE" back.
2001- Lost me sister, she was 28, and had been fighting the demons for several years, after the birth of her son, which I think her post partum got overlooked, her life fell apart, self medicated, ended up in a psych ward and like I said before, doped up and turned loose. Her story is to long to go into, but I watched her be taken away by her depression. Then she seemed to have a handle on life, was doing well. We were all so glad to see her smiling, laughing and living life again- then out of what seemed like nowhere she tried to take her life. Then again and the last time she made sure she wouldn't live through it. The guilt and thousands of other emotions that go through you after loosing someone like that is unbelievable and if you have never been there you truly can't begin to even imagine how you are affected. I am the oldest, the burden of telling my mom she was gone fell on me, making her arrangements as well. Mom was in no mind to do any of the things that needed to be handled. So I was left to stand up and be the strong one and take care of everyone else. I never grieved like I should have. Developed some medical problems and was diagnosed with PTSD. Then 9-11 happened and I was in a deep hole again. But with love and support from Scott and my friends, I made it out.
Things have finally leveled out again, and I can face each day a little easier, but those dark days still come along and I know when they hit now and make sure I tell someone and hold onto the light so to speak and keep coming out on the other side. With an empty nest for the most par and Scott on midnights, and sleeping all day it gets pretty lonely and that brings me down once in awhile. Loneliness is fuel for the fire.
It is a daily battle as some of you know. My cousin who sent me the attached article suffers the same and we help each other out a lot, even though she lives in Texas. The internet and social media makes it so much easier for us these days!
Just because someone appears to be happy and laughing and joking all the time, doesn't mean that they are always ok. The darkness follows us everywhere. But when someone comes to you and needs to talk, just listen. So many times that's all a person needs.
Okay, once again I have rambled on and on.... And I could go on even more, but I won't, for now at least.
Hugs and love to all
What a great group! Depression isn't funny. It's not chin up. It's an illness and there shouldn't be any stigma. I consider myself very lucky that I have no idea what that feels like. I've wanted to hurt other people, but not myself. Prayers to any one who has to deal with this horrible disease.
To answer the question...
Today I'm doing okay. Heavy hearted....
and thankful.
Today I'm doing okay. Heavy hearted....
and thankful.
Blonde Bombshell -- Tracy, you're sentence---Broken home, abusive step parent, never being encouraged always being put down. That was my childhood life.
It vibrates with me-- good middle class home, busy parents, awesome grandparents, never being encouraged and always being put down.
Put aside all my passions and desires to follow what others desired for me.
You may laugh, but it took until my mid 40's to realize "Self Matters". I started to look at life in a different light. Children becoming adult, many miles away from parents, husband passed. I changed the way I looked at things, and things began to change.
I have a lifelong girlfriend who suffers from depression. An on going battle since med tech training days. She is on meds and doing just great- Still has a low day every now and then, and that's when I get her call. We talk, she talks, I listen. Only a phone call away.
I am so glad you have Scott. It was meant to be!
It vibrates with me-- good middle class home, busy parents, awesome grandparents, never being encouraged and always being put down.
Put aside all my passions and desires to follow what others desired for me.
You may laugh, but it took until my mid 40's to realize "Self Matters". I started to look at life in a different light. Children becoming adult, many miles away from parents, husband passed. I changed the way I looked at things, and things began to change.
I have a lifelong girlfriend who suffers from depression. An on going battle since med tech training days. She is on meds and doing just great- Still has a low day every now and then, and that's when I get her call. We talk, she talks, I listen. Only a phone call away.
I am so glad you have Scott. It was meant to be!
I'm not laughing. It took me a lot longer.
I'm still trying to learn it and I'm 50.
BeverleyMarsh: First off, let me offer my condolences for the loss of your granddad. Second...thanks for the good wishes. (Is there a 'humbled' emoticon?) I also know how lucky I am. I often don't know why she puts up with me, or how, but...that's the mystery, I guess. I'd be an idiot to take it for granted or impose upon it too much though, I know that. 
I suppose no one will ever know for sure what triggered Robin Williams to do what he did (whatever it was he actually did; I know hanging was involved and that's as far as I want to know...and even then it was probably too much). I really hope it wasn't anything to do with new meds or some other change, though. I can't really explain why I hope that, but I do.
Moderator: That makes me glad I took the other route. There was a definite 'I'd end it if I could be bothered' spell. There are also times where, looking back, I have no idea how I got out. I can see the things that helped, like markers in mist, but the rest of it? It's too foggy in there, and I don't want to go too far down that road in case something comes out and drags me all the way back in. (And it'd be worse because I think the Thing would be me.)
I suppose no one will ever know for sure what triggered Robin Williams to do what he did (whatever it was he actually did; I know hanging was involved and that's as far as I want to know...and even then it was probably too much). I really hope it wasn't anything to do with new meds or some other change, though. I can't really explain why I hope that, but I do.
Moderator: That makes me glad I took the other route. There was a definite 'I'd end it if I could be bothered' spell. There are also times where, looking back, I have no idea how I got out. I can see the things that helped, like markers in mist, but the rest of it? It's too foggy in there, and I don't want to go too far down that road in case something comes out and drags me all the way back in. (And it'd be worse because I think the Thing would be me.)
BeverleyMarsh: First off, let me offer my condolences for the loss of your granddad. Second...thanks for the good wishes. (Is there a 'humbled' emoticon?) I also know how lucky I am. I often don't know why she puts up with me, or how, but...that's the mystery, I guess. I'd be an idiot to take it for granted or impose upon it too much though, I know that.
I suppose no one will ever know for sure what triggered Robin Williams to do what he did (whatever it was he actually did; I know hanging was involved and that's as far as I want to know...and even then it was probably too much). I really hope it wasn't anything to do with new meds or some other change, though. I can't really explain why I hope that, but I do.
Moderator: That makes me glad I took the other route. There was a definite 'I'd end it if I could be bothered' spell. There are also times where, looking back, I have no idea how I got out. I can see the things that helped, like markers in mist, but the rest of it? It's too foggy in there, and I don't want to go too far down that road in case something comes out and drags me all the way back in. (And it'd be worse because I think the Thing would be me.)
Thank you very much for your kind words.
And as for the reasons why your partner " puts up with you" I'd say it must be because you have qualities that outweigh everything else.