Jokes

[Haunted]

Travel plans for next year

I’ve been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone else.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I’ve made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family, and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That’s a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, too, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it’s very wet and damp there.

You can do your bit by remembering to send this joke to at least one unstable person. My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama and petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly!

From one unstable person to another: I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine!

 

[Haunted]

Whew, scientific proof. What a relief to learn this!

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was ? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as anEvent Boundaryin the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.

Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that darn door !
Did I tell you about this already?

 

[Dana Jean]

Whew, scientific proof. What a relief to learn this!

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was ? Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as anEvent Boundaryin the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.

Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that darn door !
Did I tell you about this already?

I do this ALL THE TIME. I have to retrace my steps and start again in hopes it will trigger my memory.

 

[Haunted]

Carnation Milk 65 Years Ago...This is PRICELESS

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all. '

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house.

A man got out and said, ' Carnation ' LOVED your entry so much! We are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it! '

Carnation milk is best of all, no tits to pull, no hay to haul, no buckets to wash, no sh*t to pitch, just poke a hole in the son-of-a-b*tch.
True story!!!

 

[Moderator]

Carnation Milk 65 Years Ago...This is PRICELESS

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all. '

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house.

A man got out and said, ' Carnation ' LOVED your entry so much! We are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it! '

True story!!!

Sorry, but the image doesn't show up even in Edit mode so think we may be missing the punch line.

 

[Out of Order]

What's the punchline? I can't see it.............LOL

Edit: Oops like Ms. Mod said......

 

[Haunted]

Sorry, but the image doesn't show up even in Edit mode so think we may be missing the punch line.

I can see it! It says:

Carnation milk is best of all, no tits to pull, no hay to haul, no buckets to wash, no sh*t to pitch, just poke a hole in the son-of-a-b*tch.

 

[kingzeppelin]

A man calls 911 and says, "I think my wife is dead."
The operator replies, "How do you know?"
The man says,

Spoiler

"The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

 

[FlakeNoir]

Carnation Milk 65 Years Ago...This is PRICELESS

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning With 'Carnation Milk is best of all. '

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house.

A man got out and said, ' Carnation ' LOVED your entry so much! We are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it! '

Carnation milk is best of all, no tits to pull, no hay to haul, no buckets to wash, no sh*t to pitch, just poke a hole in the son-of-a-b*tch.
True story!!!

 

[Haunted]

Out the mouth of babes...
A priest was invited to attend a house party.
Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.
Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy;
"Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,
"It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".

 

[Haunted]

A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus: 'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... ' 'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas
drivin' down da road.... ' The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie’s answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'. Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch. By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat,, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 'Now wot vud you say?'

 

[kingzeppelin]

A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman enters. The man can’t stop staring at her.
The young woman notices this and walks directly toward him.
Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman says to him, "I'll do anything you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with one condition."
Flabbergasted, the man asks what the condition is.
The young woman replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."
The man considers her proposition for a moment, then withdraws his wallet from his pocket and hands the woman five $20 bills.
He looks deeply into her eyes and slowly says,

Spoiler

"Paint my house."

 

[Lord Tyrion]

 

[CriticAndProud]

While examining the the body of Mr. Schwartz, a mortician notices that Schwartz has the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," says the mortician, "But I can't send you to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." The mortician removes the penis, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he decides to show it to his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he says, removing the jar from his briefcase.

Spoiler

"Oh my God!" she screams, "Schwartz is dead!"

 

[blunthead]

The New Husbands store opened. At the entrance are the following instructions:

Greetings, Wives! You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors in our store and the value of the products increases as you go up. You may choose one item only from a any floor, but may not return to a floor you've already visited except on your way to exit the store.​

A wife goes to the Husband Store. The sign on the door reads...

Floor 1​

Husbands Who Have Jobs

She likes what she sees but continues to the second floor...​

Floor 2
Husbands Who Have Jobs and Who Love Kids​

"That's better but I need more", she thinks so she continues climbing...

Floor 3
Husbands Who Have Jobs, Who Love Kids,
and are Drop-dead Gorgeous​

"Now we're talking", she thinks and keeps on climbing...

Floor 4
Husbands Who Have Jobs, Who Love Kids, ​

are Drop-dead Gorgeous,

and Who Help With Housework

She virtually flies up the stairs...​

Floor 5
Husbands Who Have Jobs, Who Love Kids, ​

are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Who Help With Housework,

and Who Have a Strong Romantic Streak

"Almost there", she mutters...​

Floor 6
Welcome visitor 31,456,012 to the sixth floor. There are no new husbands here. This proves that you are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

NOTE: A New Wives store recently opened on the next block. The first floor: Wives Who Love Sex. The second floor: Wives Who Love Sex and Beer. The third floor: Wives Who Love Sex and Beer, and Who Have Money. The fourth, fifth and sixth floors are yet to be visited.​

 

[blunthead]

A priest, a rabbi, and an Irishman walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?".

 

[blunthead]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they pitch their tent under the stars, lie down for the night and go to sleep.


Some hours later Holmes awakens Watson and says, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."


Watson replies, "I see millions and millions of stars."


Holmes asks, "And what do you deduce from that?".


Knowing his friend's penchant for riddles and that Holmes is testing him, after a minute Watson answers carefully, "Well, astronomically, I see that there are millions of galaxies and so potentially billions of planets, and so if there are potentially billions of planets I deduce that some of them may be similar enough to Earth that life in the Universe other than that just on Earth is likely. Astrologically, I deduce that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can deduce that God is all powerful while we humans are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"


Holmes says, "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!".

 

[Kurben]

A young man comes to a meeting with the devil. He says "I want to be a big worldfamous rockstar".
The Devil answers: "You realise that you sell your soul? You still want to?"
"Yes"
"You will be tormented after your life. You wont live a happy familylife and your kids will be estranged from you. You won't get good critics and you won't have a moment in peace. Are you still willing to do it?
"Yes It is all I want"
"OK. You get it"
The young man dances away and is very happy. The Devil takes off a mask and is really God in disguise. An Angel looks at him questioning. "What should i do" God says. "He wanted it so much i just hadn't the heart to refuse"

I don't exactly know why i like this joke but i do. I might be a bit strange.

 

[blunthead]

Spoiler

 

[blunthead]