Jokes

[Haunted]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies,
then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."
The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

 

[Haunted]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows and he hears a stirring from his wife.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost. It’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah, please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, “Where are you?”

And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

 

[Kurben]

Isn't logic marvelous??

Practice makes perfect they say....
But we all know nobody is perfect.....
So why why should you practice???

 

[Pucker]

Isn't logic marvelous??

Practice makes perfect they say....
But we all know nobody is perfect.....
So why why should you practice???

What to make of a world where many hands make short work . . . but too many cooks spoil the broth?

 

[Haunted]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze!”

The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

And the second kid says, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”

 

[Haunted]

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient

About his daily activity level


He described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,

Drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,

Jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake,

Marched up and down several rocky hills,

Stood in a patch of poison ivy,

Crawled out of quicksand

And took four leaks behind big trees."


Inspired by the story, the doctor said,

"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"


"NAH," he replied, "I'm just a shi**y golfer."

 

[Anduan Pirate Princess]

 

[Blake]

Jimmy is 50, and has never been married. Never had a relationship. His father is a multi-millionaire who is on his deathbed. Jimmy is sitting outside at a coffee shop thinking how he is going to spend all that money when his father dies, then the most beautiful woman he has ever seen sits facing him at the next table. His heart's thumping but he decides to introduce himself.
'Hello, may I be so presumptuous to ask if I may sit with you?'
'No, and you may, sit' she said
They get talking and Jimmy tells her about his dad. Jimmy gives her his business card. Jimmy goes away to Byron Bay for a few days. He gets no calls from the woman and his father is uncontactable.
He comes back and decides to have a coffee at the coffee shop before going to his dad's big house on the hill. He stops suddenly, because there propped up in a portable bed outside being spoon-fed by that beautiful woman is his father.
His father sees him and says: 'Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy. Guess what, I got myself married on the weekend. Meet your new step-mum.'

The motto of the story: Women are better financial planners than men.

 

[Anduan Pirate Princess]

 

[shaitan]

Old man is musing himself:
-You see that mill over there? I own that mill. Do they call me Jacob The Miller?! No! You see that stone arch bridge over there? I built that bridge. Do they call me Jacob The Bridge Builder? No! You f@#k one goat...

 

[Pucker]

Guy at train station: Hey, didn't I see you in St. Louis?
Other guy: No. I've never been to St. Louis.
First guy: Me neither. Must have been two other fellas.

 

[Blake]

k

 

[Blake]

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

 

[blunthead]

A Roman man walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!".

 

[blunthead]

A programmer's wife tells him, "Go to the store and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer came home a short time later with twelve loaves of bread.

 

[Pucker]

Those jokes are -- literally -- funny.

 

[Haunted]

 

[AnnaMarie]

A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play
with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,
If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

 

[blunthead]

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

- Mitch Hedberg

 

[blunthead]

Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.

- Jenny Eclair