Jokes

[blunthead]

A soldier scurries up to a nun and asks, "Sister, please let me hide under your skirt!".

A moment later two Military Police ask, "Sister, have you recently seen a soldier?".

The nun tells the MPs, "He went that a-way", and they leave.

The soldier comes out from under the nun's skirt and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria"; and he adds, "I hope you don't mind me saying that you have a great pair of legs!".

The nun replies, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen another great pair. I don't want to go to Syria either."

 

[Haunted]

A soldier scurries up to a nun and asks, "Sister, please let me hide under your skirt!".

A moment later two Military Police ask, "Sister, have you recently seen a soldier?".

The nun tells the MPs, "He went that a-way", and they leave.

The soldier comes out from under the nun's skirt and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria"; and he adds, "I hope you don't mind me saying that you have a great pair of legs!".

The nun replies, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen another great pair. I don't want to go to Syria either."

 

[blunthead]

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome the awful desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?".

"Do you remember when I told you about my urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?".

His wife gasps, "Oh God, what happened?".

"I got fired."

"No Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?".

"Oh, she got fired, too."

 

[Haunted]

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome the awful desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?".

"Do you remember when I told you about my urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?".

His wife gasps, "Oh God, what happened?".

"I got fired."

"No Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?".

"Oh, she got fired, too."

 

[Doc Creed]

THIS REALLY HAPPENED:

My father worked at a grocery store in the 70s and was called to answer a customer on the phone. He took the phone at the busy service desk.
"How may I help you?"

The woman said, "Do you have thumb tacks?"

"Yes, ma'am. Ummm, do you want the kind you hammer in or the kind you push in with your thumb?"

The woman hung up in disgust. She called back to speak to the manager. The manager walked up to my father and they discussed the phone conversation. The manager reddened..."No, she asked for Tampax...not thumb tacks!"

 

[Doc Creed]

"Never bet on a horse with Parkinson's."
- Woody Allen

 

[Blake]

Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.

- Jenny Eclair

Are they made up names? Hedberg=Edberg; Eclair=chocolate

 

[Doc Creed]

"My wife turned to me last night and said, hon, I want to go somewhere I've never been before!
I told her to try the kitchen!"
-Henny Youngman

 

[Neesy]

Young Timothy was not doing at all well in math at the public school. He was flunking, in fact, so his parents decided that he would go to the local Catholic School, which had a very good reputation. Some length of time went by and on his first report card, Timmy's parents were shocked to discover that their son was getting straight A's. When his parents asked him what had brought about this incredible improvement, he told them: "Well ... when I went into the chapel and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I figured they were pretty serious."

I had heard this one before, but it still makes me smile!

 

[Haunted]

young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money..

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus

 

[AnnaMarie]

 

[Doc Creed]

Did you hear the one about the rabbi, the priest, and the monkey on a unicycle?
Nope, me either.

 

[Haunted]

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

 

[Haunted]

View attachment 13862

 

[Haunted]

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation............... She never got your email!"

 

[no bounce no play]

forgive me if this has already been posted

 

[no bounce no play]

 

[Haunted]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, ‘How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!’

The Texan smiled and drawled, ‘Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.’

 

[Out of Order]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, ‘How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!’

The Texan smiled and drawled, ‘Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.’

 

[blunthead]

A man wakes up from anesthesia after surgery, his wife sitting at his side. His eyes flutter open and he says, "You're beautiful!", then falls back to sleep. His wife has never heard him say that. A couple of minutes later, his eyes open and he says, "You're cute!".

Disappointed, she asks, "What happened to 'beautiful'?".

"The drugs are wearing off", he says.