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Christmas One Liners
Q:What do you call a kid that doesn't believe in Santa?
Q: Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?
Q: Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?
Q: Why doesn’t Santa have any kids?
Q: Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
Q:What do you call a kid that doesn't believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
Because it soot's him
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Because the present's beneath them.
Tinselitis!
He only comes once a year, and when he does it's down the chimney.
Because they were originally made for children but Dad wants to play with them.
Neesy
#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
Love those one-liners KingZep!
More Christmas One Liners Q: What do One Direction and my Christmas tree have in common?
They both have ornamental balls.
Subordinate Clauses
Because he had low Elf esteem.
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Limp Bizkit
Camel ye Faithful.
Claustrophobic.
A pack of batteries which at the bottom says, "toy not included".
Santa stopped at 3 ho’s.
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.
Crisp Cringle.
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
The Angel On The Tree
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Needless to say Santa wasn't in the best mood.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door expecting another problem. He opened the door and there was a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree there just to cheer Santa up.
The Angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. Needless to say Santa wasn't in the best mood.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa went to the door expecting another problem. He opened the door and there was a little Angel with a great big Christmas tree there just to cheer Santa up.
The Angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little Angel on top of the Christmas tree.
The Indian With One Testicle
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he had promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day and all the next night!
But Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... Take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows...
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,'If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he had promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day and all the next night!
But Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
Why ???
OH, come on... Take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You're going to love this !!!
Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!
Neesy
#1 fan (Annie Wilkes cousin) 1st cousin Mom's side
Baby Jesus
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco . The pastor of the church was looking over the lawn when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures.
He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the
little infant Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."
"And why did you take Him?"
The boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and
I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco . The pastor of the church was looking over the lawn when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures.
He hurried outside and saw a little boy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the
little infant Jesus.
So he walked up to the boy and said, "Well, where did you get your passenger, my fine friend?"
The little boy replied, "I got Him at church."
"And why did you take Him?"
The boy explained, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and
I told Him if He would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give Him a ride around the block in it."
MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!
Christmas cake recipe You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky
Preparation:
Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whisky again and go to bed.
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 bottle of whisky
Preparation:
Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK. Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whisky again and go to bed.
There was a Haunted House on the outskirts of town which was avoided by all the townsfolk - the Ghost who 'lived' there was feared by all.
However, an enterprising Journalist decided to get the Scoop of the Day by photographing the fearsome Phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the Ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. The Journalist told the Ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph".
The Ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the News Headlines, and he posed for a number of Spooky shots.
The excited Journalist rushed back to his Studio, and began developing the photos.
Unfortunately, to his dismay they turned out to be very dark and underexposed.
So what's the moral of the story?
However, an enterprising Journalist decided to get the Scoop of the Day by photographing the fearsome Phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the Ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. The Journalist told the Ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph".
The Ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the News Headlines, and he posed for a number of Spooky shots.
The excited Journalist rushed back to his Studio, and began developing the photos.
Unfortunately, to his dismay they turned out to be very dark and underexposed.
So what's the moral of the story?
The Spirit was willing, but the Flash was weak!
Saucy One Liners
How does a woman scare a Gynaecologist?
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
What's long and hard and has cum in it?
How do you kill a circus clown?
What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
Boy, "Want to hear a joke about my dick?
Girl,"Wanna hear a joke about my pussy?
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynaecologist?
By becoming a Ventriloquist!
A $100 bill!
A cucumber
Go for the juggler!
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Never mind, its too long."
Never mind, you won't get it."
Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
A Genealogist looks up your family tree. A Gynaecologist looks up your family bush.
Last edited by a moderator:
Too many trigger words showing!lol! Put the whole thing behind one huge spoiler.
That's what she said.
my dog thinks this everytime i tell him to go out after a snow.
