I'm sorry Walter that must have been absolutely devastating, but.... (sorry) the telling of it made me...
Embarrassing Situations In Public Places.......
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My daughter's softball team was having a rummage sale and I wanted to donate a daybed. I made arrangements to meet one of the volunteers up at the corner gas station-- he was going to follow me to the house and load the daybed into his truck. When I got to the gas station, I saw a guy in a white pickup. I smiled, waved, and gestured for him to follow me. He just sat and looked at me so I gestured again. Then he started his truck and followed me the two blocks to my house. I raised the garage door, hopped out of the car, and started talking about the bed. He had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. In fact, he didn't even speak English. I had picked up a complete stranger at the gas station. 
My daughter's softball team was having a rummage sale and I wanted to donate a daybed. I made arrangements to meet one of the volunteers up at the corner gas station-- he was going to follow me to the house and load the daybed into his truck. When I got to the gas station, I saw a guy in a white pickup. I smiled, waved, and gestured for him to follow me. He just sat and looked at me so I gestured again. Then he started his truck and followed me the two blocks to my house. I raised the garage door, hopped out of the car, and started talking about the bed. He had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. In fact, he didn't even speak English. I had picked up a complete stranger at the gas station.
I'm 66 and my Mum died in 1985 but I still find myself trying to conform to her expectations!
Control from beyond the grave.
Isn't it amazing how much influence your mother can have on you, even though you are a grown person!
When I was in middle school, the Americans had just won Gold against the Russians in the Winter Olympics. My mother had bought me this really cool USA sweatsuit. I was so proud to wear that to school. Between classes, there were two lines at the water fountains right next to each other. When I finally made it up there to get me drink, one of my 'friends" thought it a good idea to grab my sweat pants and drop them to my ankles. He managed to grab my tightie whities also. There I was in all my glory at the drinking fountain with all the guys laughing and the girls staring. I pretty much hated middle school after that and I never wore that sweat suit again.
You know what kills me? The infamous Coughart. That's what I call it. You know, when you cough and accidentally fart. God I hate that.
Then there is the Laughart! I hate that too!
Ok, on a red-eye flight to Houston a couple of years ago with my sister and my niece, going to visit my Mom and other sister who live there. It's a red-eye, mind you, so after we get up to cruising altitude and everyone's all settled in to their seats and the excited chatter has died down and people are sleepy, my sister blurts out 'I forgot my vibrator!!' (loud enough that I am sure the pilot heard her!) Now, I knew what she was referring to- it was the neck massager that she uses. But, to the rest of the passengers on that flight, I am sure they thought of the other type of 'vibrator'. I wanted to open up the emergency exit and crawl out on the wing and jump off.
I don't even know where to begin. I have always been rather socially awkward. Everyday it seems like I am having moments. After a while I guess I just sort of built up an immunity to them. And the folks around me just sort of grew to expect it, I think.
When I was younger I remember walking from the concourse on the school grounds to the gym. There were these rather good-looking girls checking me out. I guess you could say my spidey-sense picked this up. I mean, this was unusual for me. There were times I thought most people mistook me for a wall or something. So here I was getting this attention. Very unusual. I didn't know how to handle it. I kept wondering what the hell I should I do. Thoughts were racing through my head at a million miles per hour. Then I tripped and fell flat on my face.
Lesson: Always pay attention to your surroundings.
When I had long hair and was in a Wal-Mart I got hit on by some dude. Pretty sure he was Asian or of Asian descent. Granted, the guy only saw me from a distance, but once I turned around... well, the look on his face was priceless. I mean, in hindsight I can say that. At the time it was... awkward. To say the least. For both him and me. I mean, none of us said anything for a moment and the silence was thick enough you couldn't cut that mother with a circular saw. Then he sort of recovered and said, "my bad" and hauled ass out of the aisle.
That wouldn't have been much of a problem if I had been alone. It would have been a quick laugh to myself. But my dad was standing right next to me at the time and he thought it was a lot funnier than I did. I cut my hair off not too long after that.
When I was younger I remember walking from the concourse on the school grounds to the gym. There were these rather good-looking girls checking me out. I guess you could say my spidey-sense picked this up. I mean, this was unusual for me. There were times I thought most people mistook me for a wall or something. So here I was getting this attention. Very unusual. I didn't know how to handle it. I kept wondering what the hell I should I do. Thoughts were racing through my head at a million miles per hour. Then I tripped and fell flat on my face.
Lesson: Always pay attention to your surroundings.
When I had long hair and was in a Wal-Mart I got hit on by some dude. Pretty sure he was Asian or of Asian descent. Granted, the guy only saw me from a distance, but once I turned around... well, the look on his face was priceless. I mean, in hindsight I can say that. At the time it was... awkward. To say the least. For both him and me. I mean, none of us said anything for a moment and the silence was thick enough you couldn't cut that mother with a circular saw. Then he sort of recovered and said, "my bad" and hauled ass out of the aisle.
That wouldn't have been much of a problem if I had been alone. It would have been a quick laugh to myself. But my dad was standing right next to me at the time and he thought it was a lot funnier than I did. I cut my hair off not too long after that.
Coming off the really big slide at Wet and Wild, standing up and putting my hand on my hip and feeling only skin. All of my trunks were in my butt. I was wearing an unintentional thong. That big slide will do that to you. 
Yep, if you are a guy you have to hold onto certain things when going down those types of slides.....and I ain't talking your shorts!Coming off the really big slide at Wet and Wild, standing up and putting my hand on my hip and feeling only skin. All of my trunks were in my butt. I was wearing an unintentional thong. That big slide will do that to you.
I went on a date when I was young to a very expensive seafood restaurant. I had never been to this type of restaurant in my life-- ultra fancy, exclusive, totally foo foo. My first mistake was to chew a raw oyster but that was nothing compared to my second. I put a large amount of what I took for tartar sauce on my fish and took a big bite. It turned out to be horseradish. AY, CARAMBA!!!! My older, more sophisticated date found my faux pas loveably cute but I was determined never to act like one of the Beverly Hillbillies in a social situation again. Next day, I checked out a comprehensive etiquette book from the library and started subscribing to Bon Appetit.
If the place uses more than one fork or spoon on their table, it ain't for me. I prefer to be relaxed when I am eating, not worrying if I am using the correct fork. It all goes into the same place, right? Not judging you here, I admire that you took extra steps to protect yourself from that happening again and learn from it.
I'm with you there… I hate pretentious restaurants and stores. (And people! Well, I don't hate them-- just want to avoid them at all costs.) But, yeah, I'm glad I learned all that intricate etiquette stuff years ago. I've needed to use it a few times over the years and it really did bolster my self-confidence.
Do not be intimidated by high-end eateries. I worked in some really fancy places as a chef. The chefs are not very snooty.....they are just folks. If you are intimidated by a snooty french waiter...do not be. You probably make more money. He is probably just trying to make ends meet and gets yelled at a lot by the chefs...just joking.....somewhat.
One time at work, while playing cash jockey (register shift), I asked a customer if I could "grab his sack" for him. The look on his face was priceless, so was his response, but I thought I'd die of embarrassment.
OMG then there was the "tally-whacker" incident..... nearly forgot about that one.