Since December 2013 I have been in counseling due to a situation I am not at liberty to discuss in detail publicly but it had to do with the illness and death of my uncle. It started months before his death and never really let up. My sisters and cousins at the time believed I belonged in some sort of therapy. Had things improved at some point I would have stopped going but they never have. Medication and counseling have not helped. I have had health tests to see if some physical condition could be contributing and nothing significant was found; I have another such appointment coming up soon. I am not in chronic pain. I have almost continuous low grade forms of discomfort from certain physical conditions and mostly just anxiety. The only way I stopped crying following the death of my uncle was to tell myself I'd be dead soon anyway so no use being upset...not a good solution but literally the only thing which worked.
I do honestly have to state I have had a number of bad times but am now at my lowest point since at least 1997 and possibly 1979. The only thing that snapped me out of my 1997 funk was Princess Diana's death, sad but true. (She was two and a half months my senior--okay, that's giving away closer to my real than my virtual birthdate--so she would have just turned 36 and I was just short of turning 36.) I would cheerfully confess to having engineered her demise, September 11, or anything else people want if it would get them off my case but doing nothing accomplishes nothing, and anything I do try makes everything worse. My sisters ascribe ulterior motivations to my every word and action, of any kind.
I haven't put down an ultimatum since then (end of August 1997) that things need to drastically improve or I'm outta here, but now find myself forced to. I DO want to be around for Ray Bradbury's centenary in August 2020 if at all possible. Everyone who knows me knows this. If I'm hanging around that long I might as well hold out for September 2021 for my 60th birthday. Maybe family will be speaking to me again by then and maybe not. It's pretty well out of my hands as they want me to do impossible things--admit to responsibility for all the world's wrongs, and that either no one ever did anything wrong to me, or if they did it didn't matter--not quite clear on that point and afraid to ask! If things don't markedly improve by spring 2022 I need to properly dispose of my possessions and research whatever form of demise might best insure preservation of transplantable organs, especially if I continue being so damn healthy. If and when the time comes, I will be inventorying my books and will let you guys know what I have in case anyone is interested.
I have been pretty well given to understand that the situation is absolutely hopeless and any change will require a miracle of Biblical proportions. People think I am some old ball and chain who will drag down everyone else regardless of circumstances but will learn too late that is not the case. Their loss!
