Jokes

[blunthead]

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.

''Oh my gosh, I am so sorry,'' she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. ''Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.''

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.

The guy was amazed and said, ''You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?''.

''No", she answered. "You just happened to catch my eye.''

 

[kingzeppelin]

It was the 1960's and a father was very anxious to marry off his daughter to a good man. So he tried very hard to impress all her the boys she dated.
"Do you like to screw?" he asked her latest boyfriend.
"Huh?!" replied the surprised young man.
"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw!" he enthusiastically exclaimed.
Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!"
A few minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the young couple left.
After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, how many more times!

Spoiler

Get it right, it's the TWIST!"

 

[kingzeppelin]

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.
Silently she watched him as he stood looking down at their sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied...

Spoiler

"I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50."

 

[Lets Rock]

HOW COLD IS IT?
Degrees Celsius.
+25 Aussies put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe) actually they call it a jumper, which explains why they can't find a "sweater".

+20 Miami residents turn on the heat.

+10 You can see your breath and Vancouverites shiver uncontrollably.

+5 Italian cars don't start.

0 Water freezes.

-5 Maritimers put on T-shirts, Politicians begin to worry about the homeless, British cars don't start.

-10 Toronto water freezes, Vancouverites weep pitiably.
Manitobans eat ice cream on the patio, Maritimers go swimming.

-15 You can hear your breath, Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, Montreal water freezes.

-20 French cars don't start, You plan a vacation in Mexico, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

-25 Too cold to ski, Manitobans do up the top button, You need jumper cables to get the car going.

-30 American cars don't start, Yukoners put on T-shirts, Too cold to skate.

-35 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink, You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Newfoundlanders tongues stick on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.

-40 Cat insists on sleeping in your pyjamas with you. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. Ottawans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start.

-45 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going.

-50 You plan a two week hot bath (if you could only thaw the water).
The St Lawrence freezes over, Swedish cars don't start.

-55 Vancouverites disappear, Maritimers put on sweaters, Other Canadians put on overcoats.
Your car helps you plan your trip South, but won't start.

-60 Parliamentary hot air freezes, Yukoners close the bathroom window.

-70 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South!

Stay warm & safe you guys!

 

[kingzeppelin]

I'm not sure how "international" these brands are, so this might only be amusing to the British members..

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After Eight. They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said in a Wispa.
"I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he replied. He touched her Creme Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers. He fondled her Flap Jacks as she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his Chewy Centre.
But three days later his Sherbet Dib-Dab started to itch.

Spoiler

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got feckin Allsorts!

 

[blunthead]

 

[blunthead]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages. One afternoon when the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee she decided to send her husband a romantic text and wrote, "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back, "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

 

[FlakeNoir]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages. One afternoon when the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee she decided to send her husband a romantic text and wrote, "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back, "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

"Don't txt in the toilet!"

 

[morgan]

I still couldn't see the puppy even after reading "puppy".

 

[blunthead]

 

[FlakeNoir]

 

[morgan]

 

[morgan]

Spoiler

 

[kingzeppelin]

A husband and wife are driving home and they ran over a badger.
They stopped, got out of their car and found that the badger was still breathing but freezing cold.
The husband said to his wife, "Put it between your legs to warm it up"
His wife replied "But its all wet.... and it stinks!"

Spoiler

"Well hold its nose!", her husband replied.

 

[blunthead]

Spoiler

 

[Dana Jean]

Spoiler

Just say no Jane. run,Jane, run.

 

[blunthead]

 

[kingzeppelin]

 

[kingzeppelin]

 

[Anni M]

Unkee Bob strikes again
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Another Sunburn Treatment
A man passed out on the beach in Rio De Janeiro for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?'

The Doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'