Admittedly I've been in this shape and worse at least twice before, once in 1992, because I had passed 30 without succeeding, and again in 1997 because I had passed 35. The differences were:
--At that point I didn't know about the Asperger's. I assumed God had really gifted me with incredible talent and I'd somehow failed to muster my own efforts and coordinate with circumstances in my own life and the business world to make it work. Both times I thought God would be so wroth at me not developing this talent as to kill me. I waited around to see when and how I would be killed, and all that happened on both occasions were other people very close to me in age (the second was Princess Diana who came as a total shock to everyone) died suddenly, about which I was very dismayed and felt bad for a long time.
--I didn't admit it publicly. (I did post about it online but not under my own name.) I assumed because I had escaped death twice, I was meant to live which must mean my talent actually existed and I was spared as I was still meant to use it.
--Before learning of the Asperger's, my two responses when people told me all that was wrong, and how everything was really all my fault, were either, ha-ha, it is not my fault, you're just saying that to try to manipulate me, or okay, it's my fault, but I'll make up for it. After the Asperger's, it was, well, geez, what did people expect anyway?
--This is the first time I've been willing and able to say publicly, sorry, my bad, I perhaps overestimated my talent. (I NEVER deliberately deceived or lied and I am adamant about this.) Maybe everything in the world really is my fault and it will be better off when I'm gone. This does not seem likely to completely make people happy either, but they've been waiting for decades to hear me say this so there it is.
--At that point I didn't know about the Asperger's. I assumed God had really gifted me with incredible talent and I'd somehow failed to muster my own efforts and coordinate with circumstances in my own life and the business world to make it work. Both times I thought God would be so wroth at me not developing this talent as to kill me. I waited around to see when and how I would be killed, and all that happened on both occasions were other people very close to me in age (the second was Princess Diana who came as a total shock to everyone) died suddenly, about which I was very dismayed and felt bad for a long time.
--I didn't admit it publicly. (I did post about it online but not under my own name.) I assumed because I had escaped death twice, I was meant to live which must mean my talent actually existed and I was spared as I was still meant to use it.
--Before learning of the Asperger's, my two responses when people told me all that was wrong, and how everything was really all my fault, were either, ha-ha, it is not my fault, you're just saying that to try to manipulate me, or okay, it's my fault, but I'll make up for it. After the Asperger's, it was, well, geez, what did people expect anyway?
--This is the first time I've been willing and able to say publicly, sorry, my bad, I perhaps overestimated my talent. (I NEVER deliberately deceived or lied and I am adamant about this.) Maybe everything in the world really is my fault and it will be better off when I'm gone. This does not seem likely to completely make people happy either, but they've been waiting for decades to hear me say this so there it is.